Consistency is Key…but I lost it

Consistency is the major key advice people give you on any journey of growth and/or success.

Exhibit A:

So we all know this…I know this….and yet I continue to be the most inconsistent person in the world!

I’m inconsistent with all aspects of my life….my living situation, driving, relationship dynamics, communication, food intake, sleeping patterns, my writing, etc.

Driving for example. I will be going about a good 70 miles per hour on the highway, drifting off into the millions of thoughts that come to my head, and then I look down at the odometer and see that I’m going 60 instead with a line of cars passing me by.

Or communication. I will text you all buddy buddy for a week or so and then decide that it’s too much so I “ghost” you (as many of the Americanized youth would say). In my head, I’m thinking that I’m giving you something to miss and that brings my appreciation value up (and yes I calculate my appreciation value to others…I don’t think that’s healthy though).

Or in the blogging/writing field. I made a promise to myself that I would blog once a week because consistency leads to more exposure and credibility and trust and a whole lot of cool stuff that I aspire my words to create to an audience of critical thinkers.

And yet here I am with a blog that has been around for over 2 months, and I only have 2 articles published (make this 3 if  I actually publish this shit).

I can think of probably hundreds of examples in my life where I’m inconsistent, but I think you get the point.

And what’s even more annoying is that I know that deep down the real reason why I’m inconsistent with just about everything I do is credited to my fear of commitment.

Image result for consistency quotes

I mean if we want to be honest, I’m afraid of commitment. The whole idea creeps me out. Like the whole concept of commitment seems like bondage, like you are stuck with this thing that you are forcing yourself to do even though you have the power and free will to change it. It’s like some sick, twisted cruel joke that you are playing on yourself just to prove to yourself, or to whoever, that you have stability or discipline in your life. I don’t know….the whole idea of commitment and consistency just seems…..pathetic.

Or maybe that’s just me covering the fact that I need help coming to terms with the fact that pure loyalty to something or someone does actually exist…or maybe really I just don’t believe loyalty to me exists.

Let’s look at one of the biggest exercises of consistency: a romantic relationship. My outlook on commitment is similar to Chandler Bing’s from “Friends” Seasons 1-4. If you are unfamiliar with the classic American sitcom, Chandler Bing is a person who was so afraid of commitment that there are scenes of him literally gasping for air whenever he felt that a commitment in a relationship would start to brew.

I understand that exact feeling. I’ve only been in two committed relationships, one was for 6 months and the other was for 2 years. The reason for both relationship’s end was me “gasping for air” in a sense. I felt too tied down….too “committed” so to say.

What causes this fear of commitment you ask? Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiyyyyyiiiiiiiiittttttt if I know.

To be honest, I don’t think I want to know yet.

I just want to be successful in life without consistency. They say anything is possible so maybe this is possible, too?? (I don’t think it’s possible either, but just go with the flow with me so I can address this deep seated issue without deeply diving into it at the moment.)

Everything is Bullshit…

Everything is bullshit. Your job. Your time….it’s all bullshit.

I know this sounds very morbid and depressing, but let me explain.

Let’s break down a fragment of your life called ‘the week.’ There are 24 hours in a day, which means you have 168 hours in a week. Are you with me so far? Cool.

Now let’s factor in your career/job. If you are the typical working adult with a full-time job, you work 40 hours per week, which means that about 24% of your life is dedicated to your job.

Let’s not forget to factor the travel time to and from your job. Let’s just say you are an average person in a city who lives about 30 minutes from your job. Therefore, that’s an hour per day (5 hours per week) dedicated to traveling time for your job, estimated at 3% of your weekly existence.

Now you can’t forget about sleep. So let’s say you get on average about 6 hours of sleep each night, which is 42 hours of your week dedicated to sleep. That means that 25% of your existence is you simply recharging your body so you can be ready for the events of your life, including work.

Are you still with me? So for the average person: 24% of your life is you working your lovely ‘Monday-Friday 9-5’ job, 3% of your life traveling to this lovely job, and 25% of your life resting…so you can be ready for this lovely 9-5 job.

So you have 48% of your life left to actually do what you want to do. Less than half of your adult life is your own. 

I don’t know about you, but that scares the fuck out of me!

My life is not even my own (excuse me, 52% of my life is not my own).

Now if you have a family full of dependents, then your 48% is basically gone. That extra time that you are not working, sleeping, or traveling to work now belongs to raising your children.

What rattles my brain (and has me borderline insane) is the fact that everybody is walking around acting like we should be happy with this 48% of our lives that we have left of ‘freedom’. As if I should be grateful that I even get a portion of my life to myself…

WTF! I thought this was MY life. Therefore, why don’t I have freedom with 100% of my time? So basically, I’m 48% free?!

This is the type of bullshit that plagues the deeply analytical person’s mind. How can you tell me with a straight-face that I should be happy with this? This isn’t even me saying the cup is half empty or half full because it’s not 50/50! More of my life is spent doing what I don’t really have a choice in doing.

I know…I know…you are probably saying one of the following things:

  • “Well you better make that 48% of your time count and jam-packed with everything you love!”
  • “You should dedicate that 24% of your time spent on your job to a job that you are actually passionate about.”
  • “That’s just the way it is. Deal with it.”
  • “Dang. You didn’t even factor in eating.”
  • “Wow. I didn’t even think about that. Now I’m depressed.”

This post isn’t coming from a “fuck my life” place. I am still on the search for purpose and inner peace, and I refuse to give up on this journey called life (and I strongly encourage you to not give up on life either).

I just ask of you to help me understand: why should I be content with this 48% of life that I have?

If I can get to a point where I am content with this whole concept of life, then I (and probably many others) are on the first step to truly tackling depression.

Please comment to help my brain.