Dear you…

Dear you,

You are good. Your essence, your being, your instincts provide me with a warmth that I was unsure I could ever feel.

Yet your pain, your experiences of disappointment, your memories of betrayal inhibit the pure joy we can experience with each other.

Being with you is right. Spending time out of my life with you is worth majority of my time. Yet trust is needed to be ourselves within the moments we are in each other’s presence.

You are enough for the presence of my joy.

Release those other thoughts so that our connection can be so powerful that our breaths are taken away.

Know me fully…get to know all of me so you can understand how strong our connection really is.

Admiration is the initial steps, but understanding and acceptance is the key to unlocking the magic we can create.

Secret wishes I’m jotting in hopes the atmosphere solidifies them in our next encounter.

With sincerity,

Your friend

In Search of the Light in Me

Thinker.

Lost in the clouds.

Grounded in the truth.

Yet, what is my truth?

In search and hurry for the me

I’m meant to be,

but patience is what I keep

going back to to be the best me.

Second guess everything!

But it’s all love.

Love is everything.

Love. Is. Everything.

One day,

the moments will be present.

Constant battle with

the past, present, and future.

Never understand who

wins until later.

But that’s the beauty of life

and hindsight…

I do not need to understand everything.

Yes, that frustrates me, but

I know it to be true.

Light.

My Inner Beast

Temporary danger to remind me that I’m alive. 

Heartbeat pumping in my throat, 

Waiting to be replaced with your loving. 

Longing for this moment with our names marked on it, 

Firmness in every touch to solidify this reality…

Hair pulling, ass grabbing, bite marking…

Exhales with fewer spaces in between to eventually create elongated sigh…

Been waiting to exhale 

Burning away the bullshit of life

Discovering life’s beauty 

With each lick that shivers your spine. 

Kisses, the only currency in our world. 

Needs and wants blurring together…

Heat of our bodies creating blurred lines, 

No time to feel empty 

When your desire is overflowing. 

Biting the inside of my lip to bite back my beast. 

Anything hard, it’s my mission to make soft. 

Anything wet, it’s my job to mop…

Probably causing more mess. 

Filth peaks my interest…

The feline in me believing my tongue  is cleaning. 

Your motives irrelevant 

As long as I believe my thirst is quenched. 

Never one to beg, 

Rarely pleased myself

Yet enjoying each second of the ride. 

The more you know me 

The less you’ll be aroused 

Silence about me is key 

To all of our chemistry. 

Learning Love

There are holes within me that no man nor woman can fill. 

Yet I damn near confuse the heat felt from your love as my completion…

When really what I feel with you is validation for me to repair what I’ve put off. 

Your love doesn’t heal me… it doesn’t possess that power to fix me. 

No matter how elevated we get in the clouds when we spend time together,

Your intent to save me will never equate to you being my Savior. 

I can cry a million tears in your arms,

But those tears will never transform into the living water that heals my soul. 

For we are both mortals, intentions pure, but weak with flesh. 

Even though you can never save me, 

you have that natural power to encourage me…

Encourage me to find the answers within myself to heal…

encourage me to continue to spread the love of God that flows through me… 

encourage me to get a step closer on my path of righteousness… 

encourage me to repair the patches of my soul,

so that I may receive fulfillment instead of emptiness from leaks. 

Really that’s what love is. 

Not to fix me. 

Not to heal me. 

Love is so powerful it encourages me to fix and heal myself. 

Siren Call

Look, your time would be better spent with me. 

Forget work. 

Forget priorities. 

Forget obligations.  

Forget time, with me. 

I know what you need because I need it too. 

I know what you like because I like it too. 

So come on.  

You will be okay. 

Spend time with me. 

Show me what I see in your eyes. 

Do what is in your mind…with me. 

(If there were no negative consequences, would you join me without hesitation?) 

You would enjoy our time together, which may be your fear. 

Sometimes I think you hesitate because you know deep down that you would enjoy yourself in a whole new way if you let go of your inhibitions with me… and that is one of your biggest fears. That is what keeps you up at night. That is what makes you feel guilty even though you haven’t even done anything. The fact that you know this to be true is what keeps you questioning your every action around me. 

Well I don’t want to be your source of guilt or restriction…

I want to be your friend in fun.

I want to be your leader of peace…

your explorer of self…

your co-captiain in experiencing joy. 

Unrequited Love, Part 2

See are you ready for the honesty 

About this reality

That you might not see

That uncovers this “you and me”? 

We share the need to always inspire

Lifting each other’s moods satisfies our desire

Constantly stroking your ego 

In order to tame your inner hoe

The attention you get at home

Not enough to stop your eyes from the roam. 

But you’re not the only guilty party

My motives not 100% hearty 

I have a pattern of wanting what I can’t possess

The power of temptation, my biggest turn-on, I confess.

And maybe I enjoy the attention you provide 

To the little girl in me I try to hide

The limited care you bless me with

May be enough for me to prolong this myth

And maybe the main reason for my love for you

Has to do with the pain you own too.

At the end of the day I just want you to heal

I want to be the reason you start to feel…

Feel something besides the crushing weight of this life

But common sense reminds me that’s reserved for your wife

Your better has become my worse

Unrequited love seeming to be my curse. 

To My First Love

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Source: https://www.pinclipart.com/pindetail/ibhhxwx_first-love-clipart-png-download/

You were my escape…my sweet, sexy escape from dealing with the broken pieces of me. Instead of learning how to put my pieces together on my own, I would focus all of my energy putting your pieces together in the hopes you’d return the favor.

Oh, how foolish. Oh, how naive. Oh, how hurt I was.

How silly of me to depend on someone else to put my pieces together, when I’m the one who knows where all the pieces need to go. You were stuck with the job of putting a puzzle together but not knowing what the final product should look like. I now know that I should be in charge of assembly. Then frustration arises when you don’t know how to fix me. Ha! Shame on me for putting that pressure on you. Shame unfairly on you for making you “the reason” for my moods, my emotions, my level of self-worth. I gave you a responsibility that did not belong to you. In fact, you had no power over it at all. But I convinced myself you did. And the truth of it all, I had the power over my self-worth, but I assigned you that power so I didn’t have to deal with the trauma and pain I’ve buried inside.

You were great support, but I wanted a dictator. You were the love I never had, but I wanted abuse. You were the security I didn’t know existed, but I wanted uncertainty. Silly me. Silly me. What I wanted, I didn’t need. What I thought I needed was merely born from ignorance.

And now I pause and wonder…how many times have I let my ignorance stop me from obtaining greatness, my full potential, and ultimate joy? My ignorance of thought, the limits I’ve created when boundaries weren’t set, the prolonged beats of overcompensation may have blocked me from an alternate life of joy.

With these revelations, I apologize to you. I apologize for unrealistically expecting you to be my hero who would rescue me from the torture chamber of my mind. For I must be my own hero in order to live my happily ever after. I apologize for imposing my insecurities on you. Maybe if I would have learned this back then, my happily-ever-after would feature you as my co-star.

No love ever lost in my heart for you. I continue to love you from a distance. Thank you for being my first love and helping me grow and learn.

 

To All My Friends

Image result for turtle in shell cartoon
https://media1.tenor.com/images/dcddaa06a2f55518505203f99bcb0cfc/tenor.gif?itemid=4527509

I feel like I should pre-warn every encounter we have with an apology.

See here’s the thing: I do not like myself. To be honest, I have a deep hatred of myself.

This self-hate didn’t just occur recently. It’s a deep rooted seed that’s been growing in my thoughts since as young as I can remember. It started innocently with myself realizing at a young age that I don’t really have anything important to say, so maybe I should be quiet. I began to not trust that my ideas were of any value. They later morphed into me realizing that I, as a person, don’t have much value.

Once my brain held onto this core belief, the trust issues flourished. I question why people love me. I question why people bother to spend time with me. Since I can’t understand what I like about myself, I damn sure have raised eyebrows to you all who claim to like me when you don’t have to.

The times when my brain’s paranoia breaks down and asks you, “what do you even like about me,” your response is the polar opposite of the perception I have of myself. That’s when my mind tweaks out of control. I feel as though my brain has a malfunction when I hear your response because it’s been telling me for so long how horrible, unimportant, and worthless I am; hearing you, a friend, debunk my perception of myself causes a glitch in my brain trying to make sense of it.

And my preferred response to anyone debunking the perception of my worthlessness includes becoming defensive and proving you wrong. My method of proving you wrong ranges from becoming a selfish brat who has to get her way, to killing the vibe with my silence and not being in the present moment.

I guess it’s how turtles climb in their shell when they feel scared. And yes, hanging out with you scares me.

It scares me because I feel you’re going to finally “come to your senses” and see me how I see myself.

The fear of you seeing me the way I see me is the reason I cry. It’s the reason I begin to distance myself from you. It’s the reason I sometimes do and say asshole shit to you. It’s the reason I can’t sleep most nights.

So, that’s why I’m working on rewiring my brain to see the positive traits of myself and to accept the negative traits of myself but not enlarge them to immense proportions while I work to improve on them.

As I’m working on this, please be patient with me. Remind me to speak up for myself when I trail off when I talk. Let me know when I start becoming a selfish toddler and try to control every thing we watch or do. Call me out on when you feel I am hiding how I feel and think with euphemisms and double entendres. And definitely reassure me that you still love my crazy ass even after I get on your nerves with my weirdness.

I strongly believe I don’t deserve your friendship. But I know that I need your friendship.

Your friendship holds so much value to me. Our friendship is the most valuable thing I have, and I damn sure don’t want to lose it because of a conviction based on deep rooted issues that are based on insecurities in the alternate reality in my head.

Sincerely,

Your friend who’s working on getting better