To All My Friends

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I feel like I should pre-warn every encounter we have with an apology.

See here’s the thing: I do not like myself. To be honest, I have a deep hatred of myself.

This self-hate didn’t just occur recently. It’s a deep rooted seed that’s been growing in my thoughts since as young as I can remember. It started innocently with myself realizing at a young age that I don’t really have anything important to say, so maybe I should be quiet. I began to not trust that my ideas were of any value. They later morphed into me realizing that I, as a person, don’t have much value.

Once my brain held onto this core belief, the trust issues flourished. I question why people love me. I question why people bother to spend time with me. Since I can’t understand what I like about myself, I damn sure have raised eyebrows to you all who claim to like me when you don’t have to.

The times when my brain’s paranoia breaks down and asks you, “what do you even like about me,” your response is the polar opposite of the perception I have of myself. That’s when my mind tweaks out of control. I feel as though my brain has a malfunction when I hear your response because it’s been telling me for so long how horrible, unimportant, and worthless I am; hearing you, a friend, debunk my perception of myself causes a glitch in my brain trying to make sense of it.

And my preferred response to anyone debunking the perception of my worthlessness includes becoming defensive and proving you wrong. My method of proving you wrong ranges from becoming a selfish brat who has to get her way, to killing the vibe with my silence and not being in the present moment.

I guess it’s how turtles climb in their shell when they feel scared. And yes, hanging out with you scares me.

It scares me because I feel you’re going to finally “come to your senses” and see me how I see myself.

The fear of you seeing me the way I see me is the reason I cry. It’s the reason I begin to distance myself from you. It’s the reason I sometimes do and say asshole shit to you. It’s the reason I can’t sleep most nights.

So, that’s why I’m working on rewiring my brain to see the positive traits of myself and to accept the negative traits of myself but not enlarge them to immense proportions while I work to improve on them.

As I’m working on this, please be patient with me. Remind me to speak up for myself when I trail off when I talk. Let me know when I start becoming a selfish toddler and try to control every thing we watch or do. Call me out on when you feel I am hiding how I feel and think with euphemisms and double entendres. And definitely reassure me that you still love my crazy ass even after I get on your nerves with my weirdness.

I strongly believe I don’t deserve your friendship. But I know that I need your friendship.

Your friendship holds so much value to me. Our friendship is the most valuable thing I have, and I damn sure don’t want to lose it because of a conviction based on deep rooted issues that are based on insecurities in the alternate reality in my head.

Sincerely,

Your friend who’s working on getting better

Slap Away My Distorted Perception

 

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My insecurities have been clouding my perspective for years. 

How I perceive my relationships, my role in others’ lives, and myself in general is distorted by the insecurities that have anchored in my mind. 

The constant belief that no one cares about me…

The comfort I feel from wallowing in my self-pity…

Orchestrating my life so I can be this self-loathing character.

Yeah, I’m so over this mind game I continue to play where I sabotage my happiness. 

Time to reprogram my brain.

Realizing that I’m missing out on truly enjoying my life, my friendships, the beauty of the world all because of emotional scarring…

it’s the biggest slap in the face that needed to happen in order for change to begin.

Consistency is Key…but I lost it

Consistency is the major key advice people give you on any journey of growth and/or success.

Exhibit A:

So we all know this…I know this….and yet I continue to be the most inconsistent person in the world!

I’m inconsistent with all aspects of my life….my living situation, driving, relationship dynamics, communication, food intake, sleeping patterns, my writing, etc.

Driving for example. I will be going about a good 70 miles per hour on the highway, drifting off into the millions of thoughts that come to my head, and then I look down at the odometer and see that I’m going 60 instead with a line of cars passing me by.

Or communication. I will text you all buddy buddy for a week or so and then decide that it’s too much so I “ghost” you (as many of the Americanized youth would say). In my head, I’m thinking that I’m giving you something to miss and that brings my appreciation value up (and yes I calculate my appreciation value to others…I don’t think that’s healthy though).

Or in the blogging/writing field. I made a promise to myself that I would blog once a week because consistency leads to more exposure and credibility and trust and a whole lot of cool stuff that I aspire my words to create to an audience of critical thinkers.

And yet here I am with a blog that has been around for over 2 months, and I only have 2 articles published (make this 3 if  I actually publish this shit).

I can think of probably hundreds of examples in my life where I’m inconsistent, but I think you get the point.

And what’s even more annoying is that I know that deep down the real reason why I’m inconsistent with just about everything I do is credited to my fear of commitment.

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I mean if we want to be honest, I’m afraid of commitment. The whole idea creeps me out. Like the whole concept of commitment seems like bondage, like you are stuck with this thing that you are forcing yourself to do even though you have the power and free will to change it. It’s like some sick, twisted cruel joke that you are playing on yourself just to prove to yourself, or to whoever, that you have stability or discipline in your life. I don’t know….the whole idea of commitment and consistency just seems…..pathetic.

Or maybe that’s just me covering the fact that I need help coming to terms with the fact that pure loyalty to something or someone does actually exist…or maybe really I just don’t believe loyalty to me exists.

Let’s look at one of the biggest exercises of consistency: a romantic relationship. My outlook on commitment is similar to Chandler Bing’s from “Friends” Seasons 1-4. If you are unfamiliar with the classic American sitcom, Chandler Bing is a person who was so afraid of commitment that there are scenes of him literally gasping for air whenever he felt that a commitment in a relationship would start to brew.

I understand that exact feeling. I’ve only been in two committed relationships, one was for 6 months and the other was for 2 years. The reason for both relationship’s end was me “gasping for air” in a sense. I felt too tied down….too “committed” so to say.

What causes this fear of commitment you ask? Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiyyyyyiiiiiiiiittttttt if I know.

To be honest, I don’t think I want to know yet.

I just want to be successful in life without consistency. They say anything is possible so maybe this is possible, too?? (I don’t think it’s possible either, but just go with the flow with me so I can address this deep seated issue without deeply diving into it at the moment.)