To My First Love

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You were my escape…my sweet, sexy escape from dealing with the broken pieces of me. Instead of learning how to put my pieces together on my own, I would focus all of my energy putting your pieces together in the hopes you’d return the favor.

Oh, how foolish. Oh, how naive. Oh, how hurt I was.

How silly of me to depend on someone else to put my pieces together, when I’m the one who knows where all the pieces need to go. You were stuck with the job of putting a puzzle together but not knowing what the final product should look like. I now know that I should be in charge of assembly. Then frustration arises when you don’t know how to fix me. Ha! Shame on me for putting that pressure on you. Shame unfairly on you for making you “the reason” for my moods, my emotions, my level of self-worth. I gave you a responsibility that did not belong to you. In fact, you had no power over it at all. But I convinced myself you did. And the truth of it all, I had the power over my self-worth, but I assigned you that power so I didn’t have to deal with the trauma and pain I’ve buried inside.

You were great support, but I wanted a dictator. You were the love I never had, but I wanted abuse. You were the security I didn’t know existed, but I wanted uncertainty. Silly me. Silly me. What I wanted, I didn’t need. What I thought I needed was merely born from ignorance.

And now I pause and wonder…how many times have I let my ignorance stop me from obtaining greatness, my full potential, and ultimate joy? My ignorance of thought, the limits I’ve created when boundaries weren’t set, the prolonged beats of overcompensation may have blocked me from an alternate life of joy.

With these revelations, I apologize to you. I apologize for unrealistically expecting you to be my hero who would rescue me from the torture chamber of my mind. For I must be my own hero in order to live my happily ever after. I apologize for imposing my insecurities on you. Maybe if I would have learned this back then, my happily-ever-after would feature you as my co-star.

No love ever lost in my heart for you. I continue to love you from a distance. Thank you for being my first love and helping me grow and learn.

 

Slap Away My Distorted Perception

 

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My insecurities have been clouding my perspective for years. 

How I perceive my relationships, my role in others’ lives, and myself in general is distorted by the insecurities that have anchored in my mind. 

The constant belief that no one cares about me…

The comfort I feel from wallowing in my self-pity…

Orchestrating my life so I can be this self-loathing character.

Yeah, I’m so over this mind game I continue to play where I sabotage my happiness. 

Time to reprogram my brain.

Realizing that I’m missing out on truly enjoying my life, my friendships, the beauty of the world all because of emotional scarring…

it’s the biggest slap in the face that needed to happen in order for change to begin.

Consistency is Key…but I lost it

Consistency is the major key advice people give you on any journey of growth and/or success.

Exhibit A:

So we all know this…I know this….and yet I continue to be the most inconsistent person in the world!

I’m inconsistent with all aspects of my life….my living situation, driving, relationship dynamics, communication, food intake, sleeping patterns, my writing, etc.

Driving for example. I will be going about a good 70 miles per hour on the highway, drifting off into the millions of thoughts that come to my head, and then I look down at the odometer and see that I’m going 60 instead with a line of cars passing me by.

Or communication. I will text you all buddy buddy for a week or so and then decide that it’s too much so I “ghost” you (as many of the Americanized youth would say). In my head, I’m thinking that I’m giving you something to miss and that brings my appreciation value up (and yes I calculate my appreciation value to others…I don’t think that’s healthy though).

Or in the blogging/writing field. I made a promise to myself that I would blog once a week because consistency leads to more exposure and credibility and trust and a whole lot of cool stuff that I aspire my words to create to an audience of critical thinkers.

And yet here I am with a blog that has been around for over 2 months, and I only have 2 articles published (make this 3 if  I actually publish this shit).

I can think of probably hundreds of examples in my life where I’m inconsistent, but I think you get the point.

And what’s even more annoying is that I know that deep down the real reason why I’m inconsistent with just about everything I do is credited to my fear of commitment.

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I mean if we want to be honest, I’m afraid of commitment. The whole idea creeps me out. Like the whole concept of commitment seems like bondage, like you are stuck with this thing that you are forcing yourself to do even though you have the power and free will to change it. It’s like some sick, twisted cruel joke that you are playing on yourself just to prove to yourself, or to whoever, that you have stability or discipline in your life. I don’t know….the whole idea of commitment and consistency just seems…..pathetic.

Or maybe that’s just me covering the fact that I need help coming to terms with the fact that pure loyalty to something or someone does actually exist…or maybe really I just don’t believe loyalty to me exists.

Let’s look at one of the biggest exercises of consistency: a romantic relationship. My outlook on commitment is similar to Chandler Bing’s from “Friends” Seasons 1-4. If you are unfamiliar with the classic American sitcom, Chandler Bing is a person who was so afraid of commitment that there are scenes of him literally gasping for air whenever he felt that a commitment in a relationship would start to brew.

I understand that exact feeling. I’ve only been in two committed relationships, one was for 6 months and the other was for 2 years. The reason for both relationship’s end was me “gasping for air” in a sense. I felt too tied down….too “committed” so to say.

What causes this fear of commitment you ask? Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiyyyyyiiiiiiiiittttttt if I know.

To be honest, I don’t think I want to know yet.

I just want to be successful in life without consistency. They say anything is possible so maybe this is possible, too?? (I don’t think it’s possible either, but just go with the flow with me so I can address this deep seated issue without deeply diving into it at the moment.)

Is this the blog for you?

If you have clicked on this blog post, you are either lost, someone recommended this to you, or the universe/God has made this your destiny. No matter the reason, you’re here.

So now what do I, the blogger, have to offer to you? (Let’s be real, we don’t read, view, or watch anything unless there is a benefit for ourselves. Whether it’s a laugh, access to new knowledge, or an escape from our own reality.)

Well let’s start by introducing myself. My name is…well I prefer not to share that information throughout this blog journey.

“Why?” you ask….I know you didn’t really ask, but I’m going to tell you anyway. The whole idea behind this blog is to be able to freely talk about my ideas, beliefs, and experiences without the judgement of my loved ones crumbling the reputation that I have worked so hard to maintain. We all have things to say on our personal social medias but sometimes fear that our “friends” or “followers” will ruin the image that we have worked so hard to paint of ourselves.

Oh wait…that’s just me? Well fuck it, maybe this is just my way of public self-therapy without people attaching all of my business with my identity. (BTW, if I would’ve revealed my identity, my grandma would have just found out that I use the word “fuck”…soo let’s continue to let grandma live in a reality where I still don’t use curse words)

If you really have an urge to call me something, just call me “Mild and Free.”

Please don’t confuse this name with “Wild and Free”. I have never been wild. The wildest activity that I partake in is smoking marijuana. Many conservatives may have convinced you that’s wild, but smokers can easily laugh at the idea of being wild while high. The most I’ve ever done while high is giggle ten minutes straight from a punchline from a comedy series, missing the entire plot of the show.

Therefore, I’m mild…not wild.

What is this blog going to be focused on…who the fuck knows?! (BTW, my favorite word is ‘fuck’)

The gist of it is that I’m a young woman in my 20s who decided to move from her college town to a city called Atlanta where timing the perfect low-traffic time is a gift that only God’s true prophets possess. I left a stable career with benefits and steady income in a field that I spent five years studying & accumulating over $100,000 in school debt to a $13/hour full-time job that deals with a field that I have absolutely no experience in.

Was this a smart decision? Probably not if you are looking at it from a financial aspect. However, IDGAF (look it up if you are that behind on text lingo). I’m over here chasing freedom (even though I know this chase doesn’t truly get me freedom because freedom technically doesn’t exist in our society…but that’s a topic for another day).

If you are still reading this, I appreciate you. If you have already exited and clicked on something more exciting on your Twitter, Facebook, or other social media feed, I still appreciate you, too. Uggghh that’s just the type of person I am, I have so much love for humanity even though I get pushed over alot.

So I ask you to join me on my journey through life. Here are some possible topics/purposes/ideas that I have for this blog:

  • share my personal experiences
  • get advice from you on situations that come up in my life (basically you can be my therapist via the comments)
  • sprinkle my humor throughout my posts
  • discuss some serious social issues
  • discuss music, sports, books, or media
  • learn about people and the world around us
  • learn random facts
  • know that you are not alone with your feelings and thoughts
  • advocate for mental health
  • cause you to really think about our purpose in life
  • figure out what happiness is
  • talk about romance, love, and sex (didn’t start having sex until I was 24 btw)
  • random observations about people and life
  • basically anything that comes to my mind

 

If this sounds like a blog that you can give 5 minutes of your time to per week, then please comment & share to everybody you know (well at least everybody who you feel could benefit from this).

Talk to you soon XOXO (does the ‘O’ mean kisses because that’s the way our mouths should look when we kiss?)