My Inner Beast

Temporary danger to remind me that I’m alive. 

Heartbeat pumping in my throat, 

Waiting to be replaced with your loving. 

Longing for this moment with our names marked on it, 

Firmness in every touch to solidify this reality…

Hair pulling, ass grabbing, bite marking…

Exhales with fewer spaces in between to eventually create elongated sigh…

Been waiting to exhale 

Burning away the bullshit of life

Discovering life’s beauty 

With each lick that shivers your spine. 

Kisses, the only currency in our world. 

Needs and wants blurring together…

Heat of our bodies creating blurred lines, 

No time to feel empty 

When your desire is overflowing. 

Biting the inside of my lip to bite back my beast. 

Anything hard, it’s my mission to make soft. 

Anything wet, it’s my job to mop…

Probably causing more mess. 

Filth peaks my interest…

The feline in me believing my tongue  is cleaning. 

Your motives irrelevant 

As long as I believe my thirst is quenched. 

Never one to beg, 

Rarely pleased myself

Yet enjoying each second of the ride. 

The more you know me 

The less you’ll be aroused 

Silence about me is key 

To all of our chemistry. 

Quarantine Bae

In a fight to be that somebody for you

Never stopped to think if I even wanted you to be my somebody 

The focus always on what you needed 

Ignoring what I really needed 

More you, not I is what made our we work 

A recipe that tasted good to me but had bitter aftertaste 

Your satisfaction guaranteed 

An IOU, your gift to me 

Receipts of genuine admiration

Enough to provide reminiscing sensation 

Our memories a treasure that only our minds have the map to 

Appreciative of our time even if it came with an expiration date 

Knowing there was an end allowed for freedom of self  

Not afraid to show you all of me 

Just worried which part made you flee 

Wish I can send you a survey 

So I can learn from my mistakes 

Your feedback is always appreciated 

The reason I committed 

Good souls greeting each other 

For a period of time 

Cementing memories of lessons and joy

Speaking Your Love Language

That first kiss will let me know…

how deep I can go

where the boundary begins 

what to do next. 

Lower and lower my touches will go…

Warmer and warmer your body will go…

Closer and closer our vibes will approach…

Louder and louder our moans will grow…

Touches so precious…

Praying feelings don’t fill me 

Only satisfaction covering. 

Skeptical to approach your thoughts 

Rather your body speak 

Give your mind a vacation 

Allow your soul to be pleased through touch 

Right is this moment 

Wrong is any analysis 

Your touch on my neck 

Holding my breath to anticipate what’s next 

Love, the silent attendee 

Lowkey in the air 

Unlocking unknown destination 

Releasing irrelevancy 

Floating, whispering, 

Acknowledging, wimpering, 

Validating, submissing, 

Time finally captivating 

Seeking answers or 

Distracting my mental 

Either or is a satisfaction 

Simply enhancing existence 

Siren Call

Look, your time would be better spent with me. 

Forget work. 

Forget priorities. 

Forget obligations.  

Forget time, with me. 

I know what you need because I need it too. 

I know what you like because I like it too. 

So come on.  

You will be okay. 

Spend time with me. 

Show me what I see in your eyes. 

Do what is in your mind…with me. 

(If there were no negative consequences, would you join me without hesitation?) 

You would enjoy our time together, which may be your fear. 

Sometimes I think you hesitate because you know deep down that you would enjoy yourself in a whole new way if you let go of your inhibitions with me… and that is one of your biggest fears. That is what keeps you up at night. That is what makes you feel guilty even though you haven’t even done anything. The fact that you know this to be true is what keeps you questioning your every action around me. 

Well I don’t want to be your source of guilt or restriction…

I want to be your friend in fun.

I want to be your leader of peace…

your explorer of self…

your co-captiain in experiencing joy. 

Unrequited Love, Part 2

See are you ready for the honesty 

About this reality

That you might not see

That uncovers this “you and me”? 

We share the need to always inspire

Lifting each other’s moods satisfies our desire

Constantly stroking your ego 

In order to tame your inner hoe

The attention you get at home

Not enough to stop your eyes from the roam. 

But you’re not the only guilty party

My motives not 100% hearty 

I have a pattern of wanting what I can’t possess

The power of temptation, my biggest turn-on, I confess.

And maybe I enjoy the attention you provide 

To the little girl in me I try to hide

The limited care you bless me with

May be enough for me to prolong this myth

And maybe the main reason for my love for you

Has to do with the pain you own too.

At the end of the day I just want you to heal

I want to be the reason you start to feel…

Feel something besides the crushing weight of this life

But common sense reminds me that’s reserved for your wife

Your better has become my worse

Unrequited love seeming to be my curse. 

Unrequited Love, Part I

Attracted to the taken

With the vibe of forsaken

Sacrificing myself to be your vacation

From the day-to-day stagnation

Masquerading as your #1 fan

But really, do I give a damn?

Please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying

Just understand it’s a game we’re both playing

See we both get a thrill from the power trips

Each one ignited from the slickness out of our lips

Knowing you can turn me on with a look

Then every word I say gets you caught on my hook

The passion that blazes behind your eyes

The fuel to the fire between my thighs

The depth of your moans chilling my spine

The arch of my back got you ready to dine

Exchanging a laugh is our orgasm on PG

Whispering in my ear is the path to our ecstasy

I give, you take

Back and forth, no break

Losing our breath from a simple conversation

Challenging my thinking is your best form of penetration

You’re the release I never knew I needed 

I’m that siren in your head that’s now seeded 

You’re fun, you’re outstanding

I’m chill, never demanding

But keep in mind what this is

Two wounded souls handling our biz…

To My First Love

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Source: https://www.pinclipart.com/pindetail/ibhhxwx_first-love-clipart-png-download/

You were my escape…my sweet, sexy escape from dealing with the broken pieces of me. Instead of learning how to put my pieces together on my own, I would focus all of my energy putting your pieces together in the hopes you’d return the favor.

Oh, how foolish. Oh, how naive. Oh, how hurt I was.

How silly of me to depend on someone else to put my pieces together, when I’m the one who knows where all the pieces need to go. You were stuck with the job of putting a puzzle together but not knowing what the final product should look like. I now know that I should be in charge of assembly. Then frustration arises when you don’t know how to fix me. Ha! Shame on me for putting that pressure on you. Shame unfairly on you for making you “the reason” for my moods, my emotions, my level of self-worth. I gave you a responsibility that did not belong to you. In fact, you had no power over it at all. But I convinced myself you did. And the truth of it all, I had the power over my self-worth, but I assigned you that power so I didn’t have to deal with the trauma and pain I’ve buried inside.

You were great support, but I wanted a dictator. You were the love I never had, but I wanted abuse. You were the security I didn’t know existed, but I wanted uncertainty. Silly me. Silly me. What I wanted, I didn’t need. What I thought I needed was merely born from ignorance.

And now I pause and wonder…how many times have I let my ignorance stop me from obtaining greatness, my full potential, and ultimate joy? My ignorance of thought, the limits I’ve created when boundaries weren’t set, the prolonged beats of overcompensation may have blocked me from an alternate life of joy.

With these revelations, I apologize to you. I apologize for unrealistically expecting you to be my hero who would rescue me from the torture chamber of my mind. For I must be my own hero in order to live my happily ever after. I apologize for imposing my insecurities on you. Maybe if I would have learned this back then, my happily-ever-after would feature you as my co-star.

No love ever lost in my heart for you. I continue to love you from a distance. Thank you for being my first love and helping me grow and learn.

 

Slap Away My Distorted Perception

 

distorted-perception-qbee-whitener
https://fineartamerica.com/featured/distorted-perception-qbee-whitener.html

My insecurities have been clouding my perspective for years. 

How I perceive my relationships, my role in others’ lives, and myself in general is distorted by the insecurities that have anchored in my mind. 

The constant belief that no one cares about me…

The comfort I feel from wallowing in my self-pity…

Orchestrating my life so I can be this self-loathing character.

Yeah, I’m so over this mind game I continue to play where I sabotage my happiness. 

Time to reprogram my brain.

Realizing that I’m missing out on truly enjoying my life, my friendships, the beauty of the world all because of emotional scarring…

it’s the biggest slap in the face that needed to happen in order for change to begin.

Consistency is Key…but I lost it

Consistency is the major key advice people give you on any journey of growth and/or success.

Exhibit A:

So we all know this…I know this….and yet I continue to be the most inconsistent person in the world!

I’m inconsistent with all aspects of my life….my living situation, driving, relationship dynamics, communication, food intake, sleeping patterns, my writing, etc.

Driving for example. I will be going about a good 70 miles per hour on the highway, drifting off into the millions of thoughts that come to my head, and then I look down at the odometer and see that I’m going 60 instead with a line of cars passing me by.

Or communication. I will text you all buddy buddy for a week or so and then decide that it’s too much so I “ghost” you (as many of the Americanized youth would say). In my head, I’m thinking that I’m giving you something to miss and that brings my appreciation value up (and yes I calculate my appreciation value to others…I don’t think that’s healthy though).

Or in the blogging/writing field. I made a promise to myself that I would blog once a week because consistency leads to more exposure and credibility and trust and a whole lot of cool stuff that I aspire my words to create to an audience of critical thinkers.

And yet here I am with a blog that has been around for over 2 months, and I only have 2 articles published (make this 3 if  I actually publish this shit).

I can think of probably hundreds of examples in my life where I’m inconsistent, but I think you get the point.

And what’s even more annoying is that I know that deep down the real reason why I’m inconsistent with just about everything I do is credited to my fear of commitment.

Image result for consistency quotes

I mean if we want to be honest, I’m afraid of commitment. The whole idea creeps me out. Like the whole concept of commitment seems like bondage, like you are stuck with this thing that you are forcing yourself to do even though you have the power and free will to change it. It’s like some sick, twisted cruel joke that you are playing on yourself just to prove to yourself, or to whoever, that you have stability or discipline in your life. I don’t know….the whole idea of commitment and consistency just seems…..pathetic.

Or maybe that’s just me covering the fact that I need help coming to terms with the fact that pure loyalty to something or someone does actually exist…or maybe really I just don’t believe loyalty to me exists.

Let’s look at one of the biggest exercises of consistency: a romantic relationship. My outlook on commitment is similar to Chandler Bing’s from “Friends” Seasons 1-4. If you are unfamiliar with the classic American sitcom, Chandler Bing is a person who was so afraid of commitment that there are scenes of him literally gasping for air whenever he felt that a commitment in a relationship would start to brew.

I understand that exact feeling. I’ve only been in two committed relationships, one was for 6 months and the other was for 2 years. The reason for both relationship’s end was me “gasping for air” in a sense. I felt too tied down….too “committed” so to say.

What causes this fear of commitment you ask? Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiyyyyyiiiiiiiiittttttt if I know.

To be honest, I don’t think I want to know yet.

I just want to be successful in life without consistency. They say anything is possible so maybe this is possible, too?? (I don’t think it’s possible either, but just go with the flow with me so I can address this deep seated issue without deeply diving into it at the moment.)

Is this the blog for you?

If you have clicked on this blog post, you are either lost, someone recommended this to you, or the universe/God has made this your destiny. No matter the reason, you’re here.

So now what do I, the blogger, have to offer to you? (Let’s be real, we don’t read, view, or watch anything unless there is a benefit for ourselves. Whether it’s a laugh, access to new knowledge, or an escape from our own reality.)

Well let’s start by introducing myself. My name is…well I prefer not to share that information throughout this blog journey.

“Why?” you ask….I know you didn’t really ask, but I’m going to tell you anyway. The whole idea behind this blog is to be able to freely talk about my ideas, beliefs, and experiences without the judgement of my loved ones crumbling the reputation that I have worked so hard to maintain. We all have things to say on our personal social medias but sometimes fear that our “friends” or “followers” will ruin the image that we have worked so hard to paint of ourselves.

Oh wait…that’s just me? Well fuck it, maybe this is just my way of public self-therapy without people attaching all of my business with my identity. (BTW, if I would’ve revealed my identity, my grandma would have just found out that I use the word “fuck”…soo let’s continue to let grandma live in a reality where I still don’t use curse words)

If you really have an urge to call me something, just call me “Mild and Free.”

Please don’t confuse this name with “Wild and Free”. I have never been wild. The wildest activity that I partake in is smoking marijuana. Many conservatives may have convinced you that’s wild, but smokers can easily laugh at the idea of being wild while high. The most I’ve ever done while high is giggle ten minutes straight from a punchline from a comedy series, missing the entire plot of the show.

Therefore, I’m mild…not wild.

What is this blog going to be focused on…who the fuck knows?! (BTW, my favorite word is ‘fuck’)

The gist of it is that I’m a young woman in my 20s who decided to move from her college town to a city called Atlanta where timing the perfect low-traffic time is a gift that only God’s true prophets possess. I left a stable career with benefits and steady income in a field that I spent five years studying & accumulating over $100,000 in school debt to a $13/hour full-time job that deals with a field that I have absolutely no experience in.

Was this a smart decision? Probably not if you are looking at it from a financial aspect. However, IDGAF (look it up if you are that behind on text lingo). I’m over here chasing freedom (even though I know this chase doesn’t truly get me freedom because freedom technically doesn’t exist in our society…but that’s a topic for another day).

If you are still reading this, I appreciate you. If you have already exited and clicked on something more exciting on your Twitter, Facebook, or other social media feed, I still appreciate you, too. Uggghh that’s just the type of person I am, I have so much love for humanity even though I get pushed over alot.

So I ask you to join me on my journey through life. Here are some possible topics/purposes/ideas that I have for this blog:

  • share my personal experiences
  • get advice from you on situations that come up in my life (basically you can be my therapist via the comments)
  • sprinkle my humor throughout my posts
  • discuss some serious social issues
  • discuss music, sports, books, or media
  • learn about people and the world around us
  • learn random facts
  • know that you are not alone with your feelings and thoughts
  • advocate for mental health
  • cause you to really think about our purpose in life
  • figure out what happiness is
  • talk about romance, love, and sex (didn’t start having sex until I was 24 btw)
  • random observations about people and life
  • basically anything that comes to my mind

 

If this sounds like a blog that you can give 5 minutes of your time to per week, then please comment & share to everybody you know (well at least everybody who you feel could benefit from this).

Talk to you soon XOXO (does the ‘O’ mean kisses because that’s the way our mouths should look when we kiss?)