To All My Friends

Image result for turtle in shell cartoon
https://media1.tenor.com/images/dcddaa06a2f55518505203f99bcb0cfc/tenor.gif?itemid=4527509

I feel like I should pre-warn every encounter we have with an apology.

See here’s the thing: I do not like myself. To be honest, I have a deep hatred of myself.

This self-hate didn’t just occur recently. It’s a deep rooted seed that’s been growing in my thoughts since as young as I can remember. It started innocently with myself realizing at a young age that I don’t really have anything important to say, so maybe I should be quiet. I began to not trust that my ideas were of any value. They later morphed into me realizing that I, as a person, don’t have much value.

Once my brain held onto this core belief, the trust issues flourished. I question why people love me. I question why people bother to spend time with me. Since I can’t understand what I like about myself, I damn sure have raised eyebrows to you all who claim to like me when you don’t have to.

The times when my brain’s paranoia breaks down and asks you, “what do you even like about me,” your response is the polar opposite of the perception I have of myself. That’s when my mind tweaks out of control. I feel as though my brain has a malfunction when I hear your response because it’s been telling me for so long how horrible, unimportant, and worthless I am; hearing you, a friend, debunk my perception of myself causes a glitch in my brain trying to make sense of it.

And my preferred response to anyone debunking the perception of my worthlessness includes becoming defensive and proving you wrong. My method of proving you wrong ranges from becoming a selfish brat who has to get her way, to killing the vibe with my silence and not being in the present moment.

I guess it’s how turtles climb in their shell when they feel scared. And yes, hanging out with you scares me.

It scares me because I feel you’re going to finally “come to your senses” and see me how I see myself.

The fear of you seeing me the way I see me is the reason I cry. It’s the reason I begin to distance myself from you. It’s the reason I sometimes do and say asshole shit to you. It’s the reason I can’t sleep most nights.

So, that’s why I’m working on rewiring my brain to see the positive traits of myself and to accept the negative traits of myself but not enlarge them to immense proportions while I work to improve on them.

As I’m working on this, please be patient with me. Remind me to speak up for myself when I trail off when I talk. Let me know when I start becoming a selfish toddler and try to control every thing we watch or do. Call me out on when you feel I am hiding how I feel and think with euphemisms and double entendres. And definitely reassure me that you still love my crazy ass even after I get on your nerves with my weirdness.

I strongly believe I don’t deserve your friendship. But I know that I need your friendship.

Your friendship holds so much value to me. Our friendship is the most valuable thing I have, and I damn sure don’t want to lose it because of a conviction based on deep rooted issues that are based on insecurities in the alternate reality in my head.

Sincerely,

Your friend who’s working on getting better

The Bigger Picture

The bigger picture is…

what keeps you alive.

what keeps you sane(ish).

what makes you laugh in the present.

what contradicts criticism.

the upbeat tempo that moves throughout your body.

the exhalation of your stress.

the rationale of the value of your obstacles.

unable to be seen from your current view.

The bigger picture…

looks different at the best vantage point.

exceeds your imagination’s limits.

breathes in salt water air on the beach while deep in thought.

views a busy city from the top floor.

listens to the ecosystem during a hike in the woods.

watches the stars on the countryside.

The bigger picture is your peace of mind…

disguised as a destination, while needed for the foundation, but only exists through the journey.

big-picture
https://aboutmeditation.com/using-meditation-to-see-the-bigger-picture/

 

hopeless romantics will understand

Imagine going to bed with someone you can call your best friend.

Imagine the first touch you wake up to is from the person who knows you just as well as, maybe even more than, you know yourself…

The scent that you have become accustomed to that doesn’t belong to you…

Knowing that any dispute or argument you two have doesn’t have an expiration date to the entire relationship that lurks in the shadows…

The safe space to share every weird quirk, or unexplainable boundary that your mind can go, with a person who accepts it and still loves you for it

Someone who understands your worth and treats you how you know you should be treated

Imagine being with someone who respects you to the point where they wouldn’t even dare fathom the thought of disrespecting your time, energy, and being.

Imagine realizing there is someone who exudes the same emotion & energy when a particular song comes on.

Imagine coming home to tell someone about your day everyday…..and they show interest in it…..every day!

Imagine the peace you get with just a warm embrace from the person.

Imagine having someone who can sense your every emotion without you uttering a word.

Imagine being in a room together in silence, and it doesn’t bother either party or mean trouble because THAT’S how comfortable y’all are with each other.

Imagine you can always rely on good conversation whenever y’all speak.

Imagine dying knowing that you’ve lived a life where you found true love.

..

.

Yeah, I can’t imagine it for me, but I do appreciate the fact that there is still a glimmer of hope in my brain that looks forward to the chance of this someday being my reality.

Consistency is Key…but I lost it

Consistency is the major key advice people give you on any journey of growth and/or success.

Exhibit A:

So we all know this…I know this….and yet I continue to be the most inconsistent person in the world!

I’m inconsistent with all aspects of my life….my living situation, driving, relationship dynamics, communication, food intake, sleeping patterns, my writing, etc.

Driving for example. I will be going about a good 70 miles per hour on the highway, drifting off into the millions of thoughts that come to my head, and then I look down at the odometer and see that I’m going 60 instead with a line of cars passing me by.

Or communication. I will text you all buddy buddy for a week or so and then decide that it’s too much so I “ghost” you (as many of the Americanized youth would say). In my head, I’m thinking that I’m giving you something to miss and that brings my appreciation value up (and yes I calculate my appreciation value to others…I don’t think that’s healthy though).

Or in the blogging/writing field. I made a promise to myself that I would blog once a week because consistency leads to more exposure and credibility and trust and a whole lot of cool stuff that I aspire my words to create to an audience of critical thinkers.

And yet here I am with a blog that has been around for over 2 months, and I only have 2 articles published (make this 3 if  I actually publish this shit).

I can think of probably hundreds of examples in my life where I’m inconsistent, but I think you get the point.

And what’s even more annoying is that I know that deep down the real reason why I’m inconsistent with just about everything I do is credited to my fear of commitment.

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I mean if we want to be honest, I’m afraid of commitment. The whole idea creeps me out. Like the whole concept of commitment seems like bondage, like you are stuck with this thing that you are forcing yourself to do even though you have the power and free will to change it. It’s like some sick, twisted cruel joke that you are playing on yourself just to prove to yourself, or to whoever, that you have stability or discipline in your life. I don’t know….the whole idea of commitment and consistency just seems…..pathetic.

Or maybe that’s just me covering the fact that I need help coming to terms with the fact that pure loyalty to something or someone does actually exist…or maybe really I just don’t believe loyalty to me exists.

Let’s look at one of the biggest exercises of consistency: a romantic relationship. My outlook on commitment is similar to Chandler Bing’s from “Friends” Seasons 1-4. If you are unfamiliar with the classic American sitcom, Chandler Bing is a person who was so afraid of commitment that there are scenes of him literally gasping for air whenever he felt that a commitment in a relationship would start to brew.

I understand that exact feeling. I’ve only been in two committed relationships, one was for 6 months and the other was for 2 years. The reason for both relationship’s end was me “gasping for air” in a sense. I felt too tied down….too “committed” so to say.

What causes this fear of commitment you ask? Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiyyyyyiiiiiiiiittttttt if I know.

To be honest, I don’t think I want to know yet.

I just want to be successful in life without consistency. They say anything is possible so maybe this is possible, too?? (I don’t think it’s possible either, but just go with the flow with me so I can address this deep seated issue without deeply diving into it at the moment.)

Is this the blog for you?

If you have clicked on this blog post, you are either lost, someone recommended this to you, or the universe/God has made this your destiny. No matter the reason, you’re here.

So now what do I, the blogger, have to offer to you? (Let’s be real, we don’t read, view, or watch anything unless there is a benefit for ourselves. Whether it’s a laugh, access to new knowledge, or an escape from our own reality.)

Well let’s start by introducing myself. My name is…well I prefer not to share that information throughout this blog journey.

“Why?” you ask….I know you didn’t really ask, but I’m going to tell you anyway. The whole idea behind this blog is to be able to freely talk about my ideas, beliefs, and experiences without the judgement of my loved ones crumbling the reputation that I have worked so hard to maintain. We all have things to say on our personal social medias but sometimes fear that our “friends” or “followers” will ruin the image that we have worked so hard to paint of ourselves.

Oh wait…that’s just me? Well fuck it, maybe this is just my way of public self-therapy without people attaching all of my business with my identity. (BTW, if I would’ve revealed my identity, my grandma would have just found out that I use the word “fuck”…soo let’s continue to let grandma live in a reality where I still don’t use curse words)

If you really have an urge to call me something, just call me “Mild and Free.”

Please don’t confuse this name with “Wild and Free”. I have never been wild. The wildest activity that I partake in is smoking marijuana. Many conservatives may have convinced you that’s wild, but smokers can easily laugh at the idea of being wild while high. The most I’ve ever done while high is giggle ten minutes straight from a punchline from a comedy series, missing the entire plot of the show.

Therefore, I’m mild…not wild.

What is this blog going to be focused on…who the fuck knows?! (BTW, my favorite word is ‘fuck’)

The gist of it is that I’m a young woman in my 20s who decided to move from her college town to a city called Atlanta where timing the perfect low-traffic time is a gift that only God’s true prophets possess. I left a stable career with benefits and steady income in a field that I spent five years studying & accumulating over $100,000 in school debt to a $13/hour full-time job that deals with a field that I have absolutely no experience in.

Was this a smart decision? Probably not if you are looking at it from a financial aspect. However, IDGAF (look it up if you are that behind on text lingo). I’m over here chasing freedom (even though I know this chase doesn’t truly get me freedom because freedom technically doesn’t exist in our society…but that’s a topic for another day).

If you are still reading this, I appreciate you. If you have already exited and clicked on something more exciting on your Twitter, Facebook, or other social media feed, I still appreciate you, too. Uggghh that’s just the type of person I am, I have so much love for humanity even though I get pushed over alot.

So I ask you to join me on my journey through life. Here are some possible topics/purposes/ideas that I have for this blog:

  • share my personal experiences
  • get advice from you on situations that come up in my life (basically you can be my therapist via the comments)
  • sprinkle my humor throughout my posts
  • discuss some serious social issues
  • discuss music, sports, books, or media
  • learn about people and the world around us
  • learn random facts
  • know that you are not alone with your feelings and thoughts
  • advocate for mental health
  • cause you to really think about our purpose in life
  • figure out what happiness is
  • talk about romance, love, and sex (didn’t start having sex until I was 24 btw)
  • random observations about people and life
  • basically anything that comes to my mind

 

If this sounds like a blog that you can give 5 minutes of your time to per week, then please comment & share to everybody you know (well at least everybody who you feel could benefit from this).

Talk to you soon XOXO (does the ‘O’ mean kisses because that’s the way our mouths should look when we kiss?)