I Am My Mother.

I don’t remember my fall from the tree.

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Source: https://www.thoughtco.com/more-spanish-proverbs-3079512

From how my life is looking, I’m confident my fall from the tree embarrassed gravity for not working hard enough.

There’s a day where you wake up and realize that you are just like your parent. You grow up in denial with the fairy tale of thinking you’ll be different, you’ll do this, this, and this, which your parent never did; therefore, you’ve got to be the exception to the “like-mother-like-daughter” and “like-father-like-son” majority. The realization innocently starts… with a subtle notice of your face scrunching up the same way as your mother’s or when you look at the mirror and see your smile favors your father’s in every way. Gradually, you start noticing behavioral similarities, such as how you always laugh to avoid conflict, or how you always expect the worst from others.

When you finally come to grips that becoming your parent is an inevitable part of life, you rationalize that it’s not so bad as long as the negative traits you acquired don’t affect your well being.

Then…you spend your Friday night staring at the bottom of your mason jar, refilling it with some orange juice and Hennessy, tears cascading down your face, because your worst fear is your reality.

You are your parent.

Constant pattern that I’ve noticed of myself is that I always default to assuming the worst. I either think no one loves me, or I think my friends really don’t care about me, they have ulterior motives so that’s the only reason they tolerate me. Or if today was a really good day, something fucked up is definitely about to happen soon.

It’s a nagging pain that I go through on a consistent basis, but I was stopped in my tracks the other day when I finally connected the origin of this behavior to my mother.

Speaking Your Love Language

That first kiss will let me know…

how deep I can go

where the boundary begins 

what to do next. 

Lower and lower my touches will go…

Warmer and warmer your body will go…

Closer and closer our vibes will approach…

Louder and louder our moans will grow…

Touches so precious…

Praying feelings don’t fill me 

Only satisfaction covering. 

Skeptical to approach your thoughts 

Rather your body speak 

Give your mind a vacation 

Allow your soul to be pleased through touch 

Right is this moment 

Wrong is any analysis 

Your touch on my neck 

Holding my breath to anticipate what’s next 

Love, the silent attendee 

Lowkey in the air 

Unlocking unknown destination 

Releasing irrelevancy 

Floating, whispering, 

Acknowledging, wimpering, 

Validating, submissing, 

Time finally captivating 

Seeking answers or 

Distracting my mental 

Either or is a satisfaction 

Simply enhancing existence 

Siren Call

Look, your time would be better spent with me. 

Forget work. 

Forget priorities. 

Forget obligations.  

Forget time, with me. 

I know what you need because I need it too. 

I know what you like because I like it too. 

So come on.  

You will be okay. 

Spend time with me. 

Show me what I see in your eyes. 

Do what is in your mind…with me. 

(If there were no negative consequences, would you join me without hesitation?) 

You would enjoy our time together, which may be your fear. 

Sometimes I think you hesitate because you know deep down that you would enjoy yourself in a whole new way if you let go of your inhibitions with me… and that is one of your biggest fears. That is what keeps you up at night. That is what makes you feel guilty even though you haven’t even done anything. The fact that you know this to be true is what keeps you questioning your every action around me. 

Well I don’t want to be your source of guilt or restriction…

I want to be your friend in fun.

I want to be your leader of peace…

your explorer of self…

your co-captiain in experiencing joy. 

Unrequited Love, Part 2

See are you ready for the honesty 

About this reality

That you might not see

That uncovers this “you and me”? 

We share the need to always inspire

Lifting each other’s moods satisfies our desire

Constantly stroking your ego 

In order to tame your inner hoe

The attention you get at home

Not enough to stop your eyes from the roam. 

But you’re not the only guilty party

My motives not 100% hearty 

I have a pattern of wanting what I can’t possess

The power of temptation, my biggest turn-on, I confess.

And maybe I enjoy the attention you provide 

To the little girl in me I try to hide

The limited care you bless me with

May be enough for me to prolong this myth

And maybe the main reason for my love for you

Has to do with the pain you own too.

At the end of the day I just want you to heal

I want to be the reason you start to feel…

Feel something besides the crushing weight of this life

But common sense reminds me that’s reserved for your wife

Your better has become my worse

Unrequited love seeming to be my curse. 

Unrequited Love, Part I

Attracted to the taken

With the vibe of forsaken

Sacrificing myself to be your vacation

From the day-to-day stagnation

Masquerading as your #1 fan

But really, do I give a damn?

Please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying

Just understand it’s a game we’re both playing

See we both get a thrill from the power trips

Each one ignited from the slickness out of our lips

Knowing you can turn me on with a look

Then every word I say gets you caught on my hook

The passion that blazes behind your eyes

The fuel to the fire between my thighs

The depth of your moans chilling my spine

The arch of my back got you ready to dine

Exchanging a laugh is our orgasm on PG

Whispering in my ear is the path to our ecstasy

I give, you take

Back and forth, no break

Losing our breath from a simple conversation

Challenging my thinking is your best form of penetration

You’re the release I never knew I needed 

I’m that siren in your head that’s now seeded 

You’re fun, you’re outstanding

I’m chill, never demanding

But keep in mind what this is

Two wounded souls handling our biz…

To My First Love

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Source: https://www.pinclipart.com/pindetail/ibhhxwx_first-love-clipart-png-download/

You were my escape…my sweet, sexy escape from dealing with the broken pieces of me. Instead of learning how to put my pieces together on my own, I would focus all of my energy putting your pieces together in the hopes you’d return the favor.

Oh, how foolish. Oh, how naive. Oh, how hurt I was.

How silly of me to depend on someone else to put my pieces together, when I’m the one who knows where all the pieces need to go. You were stuck with the job of putting a puzzle together but not knowing what the final product should look like. I now know that I should be in charge of assembly. Then frustration arises when you don’t know how to fix me. Ha! Shame on me for putting that pressure on you. Shame unfairly on you for making you “the reason” for my moods, my emotions, my level of self-worth. I gave you a responsibility that did not belong to you. In fact, you had no power over it at all. But I convinced myself you did. And the truth of it all, I had the power over my self-worth, but I assigned you that power so I didn’t have to deal with the trauma and pain I’ve buried inside.

You were great support, but I wanted a dictator. You were the love I never had, but I wanted abuse. You were the security I didn’t know existed, but I wanted uncertainty. Silly me. Silly me. What I wanted, I didn’t need. What I thought I needed was merely born from ignorance.

And now I pause and wonder…how many times have I let my ignorance stop me from obtaining greatness, my full potential, and ultimate joy? My ignorance of thought, the limits I’ve created when boundaries weren’t set, the prolonged beats of overcompensation may have blocked me from an alternate life of joy.

With these revelations, I apologize to you. I apologize for unrealistically expecting you to be my hero who would rescue me from the torture chamber of my mind. For I must be my own hero in order to live my happily ever after. I apologize for imposing my insecurities on you. Maybe if I would have learned this back then, my happily-ever-after would feature you as my co-star.

No love ever lost in my heart for you. I continue to love you from a distance. Thank you for being my first love and helping me grow and learn.

 

To All My Friends

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https://media1.tenor.com/images/dcddaa06a2f55518505203f99bcb0cfc/tenor.gif?itemid=4527509

I feel like I should pre-warn every encounter we have with an apology.

See here’s the thing: I do not like myself. To be honest, I have a deep hatred of myself.

This self-hate didn’t just occur recently. It’s a deep rooted seed that’s been growing in my thoughts since as young as I can remember. It started innocently with myself realizing at a young age that I don’t really have anything important to say, so maybe I should be quiet. I began to not trust that my ideas were of any value. They later morphed into me realizing that I, as a person, don’t have much value.

Once my brain held onto this core belief, the trust issues flourished. I question why people love me. I question why people bother to spend time with me. Since I can’t understand what I like about myself, I damn sure have raised eyebrows to you all who claim to like me when you don’t have to.

The times when my brain’s paranoia breaks down and asks you, “what do you even like about me,” your response is the polar opposite of the perception I have of myself. That’s when my mind tweaks out of control. I feel as though my brain has a malfunction when I hear your response because it’s been telling me for so long how horrible, unimportant, and worthless I am; hearing you, a friend, debunk my perception of myself causes a glitch in my brain trying to make sense of it.

And my preferred response to anyone debunking the perception of my worthlessness includes becoming defensive and proving you wrong. My method of proving you wrong ranges from becoming a selfish brat who has to get her way, to killing the vibe with my silence and not being in the present moment.

I guess it’s how turtles climb in their shell when they feel scared. And yes, hanging out with you scares me.

It scares me because I feel you’re going to finally “come to your senses” and see me how I see myself.

The fear of you seeing me the way I see me is the reason I cry. It’s the reason I begin to distance myself from you. It’s the reason I sometimes do and say asshole shit to you. It’s the reason I can’t sleep most nights.

So, that’s why I’m working on rewiring my brain to see the positive traits of myself and to accept the negative traits of myself but not enlarge them to immense proportions while I work to improve on them.

As I’m working on this, please be patient with me. Remind me to speak up for myself when I trail off when I talk. Let me know when I start becoming a selfish toddler and try to control every thing we watch or do. Call me out on when you feel I am hiding how I feel and think with euphemisms and double entendres. And definitely reassure me that you still love my crazy ass even after I get on your nerves with my weirdness.

I strongly believe I don’t deserve your friendship. But I know that I need your friendship.

Your friendship holds so much value to me. Our friendship is the most valuable thing I have, and I damn sure don’t want to lose it because of a conviction based on deep rooted issues that are based on insecurities in the alternate reality in my head.

Sincerely,

Your friend who’s working on getting better

The Bigger Picture

The bigger picture is…

what keeps you alive.

what keeps you sane(ish).

what makes you laugh in the present.

what contradicts criticism.

the upbeat tempo that moves throughout your body.

the exhalation of your stress.

the rationale of the value of your obstacles.

unable to be seen from your current view.

The bigger picture…

looks different at the best vantage point.

exceeds your imagination’s limits.

breathes in salt water air on the beach while deep in thought.

views a busy city from the top floor.

listens to the ecosystem during a hike in the woods.

watches the stars on the countryside.

The bigger picture is your peace of mind…

disguised as a destination, while needed for the foundation, but only exists through the journey.

big-picture
https://aboutmeditation.com/using-meditation-to-see-the-bigger-picture/

 

hopeless romantics will understand

Imagine going to bed with someone you can call your best friend.

Imagine the first touch you wake up to is from the person who knows you just as well as, maybe even more than, you know yourself…

The scent that you have become accustomed to that doesn’t belong to you…

Knowing that any dispute or argument you two have doesn’t have an expiration date to the entire relationship that lurks in the shadows…

The safe space to share every weird quirk, or unexplainable boundary that your mind can go, with a person who accepts it and still loves you for it

Someone who understands your worth and treats you how you know you should be treated

Imagine being with someone who respects you to the point where they wouldn’t even dare fathom the thought of disrespecting your time, energy, and being.

Imagine realizing there is someone who exudes the same emotion & energy when a particular song comes on.

Imagine coming home to tell someone about your day everyday…..and they show interest in it…..every day!

Imagine the peace you get with just a warm embrace from the person.

Imagine having someone who can sense your every emotion without you uttering a word.

Imagine being in a room together in silence, and it doesn’t bother either party or mean trouble because THAT’S how comfortable y’all are with each other.

Imagine you can always rely on good conversation whenever y’all speak.

Imagine dying knowing that you’ve lived a life where you found true love.

..

.

Yeah, I can’t imagine it for me, but I do appreciate the fact that there is still a glimmer of hope in my brain that looks forward to the chance of this someday being my reality.

Consistency is Key…but I lost it

Consistency is the major key advice people give you on any journey of growth and/or success.

Exhibit A:

So we all know this…I know this….and yet I continue to be the most inconsistent person in the world!

I’m inconsistent with all aspects of my life….my living situation, driving, relationship dynamics, communication, food intake, sleeping patterns, my writing, etc.

Driving for example. I will be going about a good 70 miles per hour on the highway, drifting off into the millions of thoughts that come to my head, and then I look down at the odometer and see that I’m going 60 instead with a line of cars passing me by.

Or communication. I will text you all buddy buddy for a week or so and then decide that it’s too much so I “ghost” you (as many of the Americanized youth would say). In my head, I’m thinking that I’m giving you something to miss and that brings my appreciation value up (and yes I calculate my appreciation value to others…I don’t think that’s healthy though).

Or in the blogging/writing field. I made a promise to myself that I would blog once a week because consistency leads to more exposure and credibility and trust and a whole lot of cool stuff that I aspire my words to create to an audience of critical thinkers.

And yet here I am with a blog that has been around for over 2 months, and I only have 2 articles published (make this 3 if  I actually publish this shit).

I can think of probably hundreds of examples in my life where I’m inconsistent, but I think you get the point.

And what’s even more annoying is that I know that deep down the real reason why I’m inconsistent with just about everything I do is credited to my fear of commitment.

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I mean if we want to be honest, I’m afraid of commitment. The whole idea creeps me out. Like the whole concept of commitment seems like bondage, like you are stuck with this thing that you are forcing yourself to do even though you have the power and free will to change it. It’s like some sick, twisted cruel joke that you are playing on yourself just to prove to yourself, or to whoever, that you have stability or discipline in your life. I don’t know….the whole idea of commitment and consistency just seems…..pathetic.

Or maybe that’s just me covering the fact that I need help coming to terms with the fact that pure loyalty to something or someone does actually exist…or maybe really I just don’t believe loyalty to me exists.

Let’s look at one of the biggest exercises of consistency: a romantic relationship. My outlook on commitment is similar to Chandler Bing’s from “Friends” Seasons 1-4. If you are unfamiliar with the classic American sitcom, Chandler Bing is a person who was so afraid of commitment that there are scenes of him literally gasping for air whenever he felt that a commitment in a relationship would start to brew.

I understand that exact feeling. I’ve only been in two committed relationships, one was for 6 months and the other was for 2 years. The reason for both relationship’s end was me “gasping for air” in a sense. I felt too tied down….too “committed” so to say.

What causes this fear of commitment you ask? Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiyyyyyiiiiiiiiittttttt if I know.

To be honest, I don’t think I want to know yet.

I just want to be successful in life without consistency. They say anything is possible so maybe this is possible, too?? (I don’t think it’s possible either, but just go with the flow with me so I can address this deep seated issue without deeply diving into it at the moment.)