I Am My Mother.

I don’t remember my fall from the tree.

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Source: https://www.thoughtco.com/more-spanish-proverbs-3079512

From how my life is looking, I’m confident my fall from the tree embarrassed gravity for not working hard enough.

There’s a day where you wake up and realize that you are just like your parent. You grow up in denial with the fairy tale of thinking you’ll be different, you’ll do this, this, and this, which your parent never did; therefore, you’ve got to be the exception to the “like-mother-like-daughter” and “like-father-like-son” majority. The realization innocently starts… with a subtle notice of your face scrunching up the same way as your mother’s or when you look at the mirror and see your smile favors your father’s in every way. Gradually, you start noticing behavioral similarities, such as how you always laugh to avoid conflict, or how you always expect the worst from others.

When you finally come to grips that becoming your parent is an inevitable part of life, you rationalize that it’s not so bad as long as the negative traits you acquired don’t affect your well being.

Then…you spend your Friday night staring at the bottom of your mason jar, refilling it with some orange juice and Hennessy, tears cascading down your face, because your worst fear is your reality.

You are your parent.

Constant pattern that I’ve noticed of myself is that I always default to assuming the worst. I either think no one loves me, or I think my friends really don’t care about me, they have ulterior motives so that’s the only reason they tolerate me. Or if today was a really good day, something fucked up is definitely about to happen soon.

It’s a nagging pain that I go through on a consistent basis, but I was stopped in my tracks the other day when I finally connected the origin of this behavior to my mother.

Speaking Your Love Language

That first kiss will let me know…

how deep I can go

where the boundary begins 

what to do next. 

Lower and lower my touches will go…

Warmer and warmer your body will go…

Closer and closer our vibes will approach…

Louder and louder our moans will grow…

Touches so precious…

Praying feelings don’t fill me 

Only satisfaction covering. 

Skeptical to approach your thoughts 

Rather your body speak 

Give your mind a vacation 

Allow your soul to be pleased through touch 

Right is this moment 

Wrong is any analysis 

Your touch on my neck 

Holding my breath to anticipate what’s next 

Love, the silent attendee 

Lowkey in the air 

Unlocking unknown destination 

Releasing irrelevancy 

Floating, whispering, 

Acknowledging, wimpering, 

Validating, submissing, 

Time finally captivating 

Seeking answers or 

Distracting my mental 

Either or is a satisfaction 

Simply enhancing existence 

Siren Call

Look, your time would be better spent with me. 

Forget work. 

Forget priorities. 

Forget obligations.  

Forget time, with me. 

I know what you need because I need it too. 

I know what you like because I like it too. 

So come on.  

You will be okay. 

Spend time with me. 

Show me what I see in your eyes. 

Do what is in your mind…with me. 

(If there were no negative consequences, would you join me without hesitation?) 

You would enjoy our time together, which may be your fear. 

Sometimes I think you hesitate because you know deep down that you would enjoy yourself in a whole new way if you let go of your inhibitions with me… and that is one of your biggest fears. That is what keeps you up at night. That is what makes you feel guilty even though you haven’t even done anything. The fact that you know this to be true is what keeps you questioning your every action around me. 

Well I don’t want to be your source of guilt or restriction…

I want to be your friend in fun.

I want to be your leader of peace…

your explorer of self…

your co-captiain in experiencing joy. 

Unrequited Love, Part 2

See are you ready for the honesty 

About this reality

That you might not see

That uncovers this “you and me”? 

We share the need to always inspire

Lifting each other’s moods satisfies our desire

Constantly stroking your ego 

In order to tame your inner hoe

The attention you get at home

Not enough to stop your eyes from the roam. 

But you’re not the only guilty party

My motives not 100% hearty 

I have a pattern of wanting what I can’t possess

The power of temptation, my biggest turn-on, I confess.

And maybe I enjoy the attention you provide 

To the little girl in me I try to hide

The limited care you bless me with

May be enough for me to prolong this myth

And maybe the main reason for my love for you

Has to do with the pain you own too.

At the end of the day I just want you to heal

I want to be the reason you start to feel…

Feel something besides the crushing weight of this life

But common sense reminds me that’s reserved for your wife

Your better has become my worse

Unrequited love seeming to be my curse. 

Our Stories are Valuable

I’m still alive. 27 years on this Earth. A microscopic amount of time compared to the existence of the universe. 

What do I do with this time that I’ve been gifted? I’ve always put so much pressure on myself to make sure I spend my time doing valuable things. However, I’ve finally realized that no matter what I decide to do with my time, it is automatically valuable because it’s how I chose to spend the time. 

The most valuable possession we all have is time. 

With our time in this world, we have moments and our experiences. We share those moments and experiences through stories. 

Therefore, our stories are valuable. 

I wonder if what makes our stories so valuable is the power of them….the power of our stories connecting us….the power of our stories causing us to feel. Our stories connect us through feelings.

We need to share our stories. By sharing your story, you are improving the universe. 

Hear me out. Connections with others provide good energy to others, which results in more good energy in the universe. So ultimately sharing your value can affirm others’ value in the universe, and it spreads good energy all around. 

If you are thinking, “I don’t really have a story to tell,” then you are mistaken. We are all walking around as authors to our own story. No one has lived your exact experiences. No one else can narrate your perspective of your life. 

If you feel your story is boring, it is still valuable. Your story can be: “I was born. I grew up with my family. I got a job. I got kids. I watch tv for fun. I’m just living.” That is valuable! Your story may seem boring to you, but it is probably relatable to other people, AND there are details throughout your day-to-day that connect you to others while still being unique. 

If you feel your story is full of sadness, it is still valuable. Sharing the pain throughout your life will connect with many others who also experience pain. Everyone has different levels of suffering, but we can empathize since the package deal of the human experience includes suffering. Hearing how you navigate through pain can help someone navigate through their pain. That is valuable! 

Essentially your story is a piece of the puzzle of this universe. Your time here connects with other people’s time here and answers the existential questions bestowed upon us. 

By and by, I plan to share my story because I am understanding my worth in this world. Hope you share your story as well.

Before the Morality of America Dies in 2020, My Lessons Learned in 2019

DISCLAIMER: Some of these lessons are based on the examination of the behavioral psychology of myself and loved ones. Some of these lessons involve what I’ve learned about big corporations, our society and the media.

Sorry to bother you, but you could change your life by reading this post. I mean this could possibly help you see yourself, people, society, and America for what it is….or you can just think I’m a lunatic with conspiracy theories with no supporting evidence.

All I ask of you as you read this is to have an open mind so that you are now aware of these lessons. What you do with this information after you read it is up to you. Therefore, use this information wisely.

Lesson #1: You can only save yourself.

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I’ve grown up with this belief that having a spouse and finding ‘true love’ will solve my problems. So, I’ve been waiting around yearning to get rescued by someone so they can tell me about myself, solve my problems, and essentially heal me. However, common sense hit me upside my head one day this year and taught me that I need to rescue my own damn self from my problems. I need to depend on myself to tell myself about myself. No one else can tell me about me. I’m the only one who should be doing that. In Mark Manson’s bestselling book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck”, he makes a good point that basically says people can’t solve your problems for you; you have to take responsibility for your own shit and figure it out your damn self (of course, I’m paraphrasing but it’s still truth).

Lesson #2: “My biggest enemy is my inner me.”

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Even though my first time hearing this saying was from a contestant on Netflix’s Rhythm & Flow show, it has validity and power to it. My brain, insecurities, and mind are my worst enemies. However, I have the control over them. I have the power to rewire my brain by changing my habits and self talk.

Lesson #3: Our brains are wired by television. 

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This is a bubble that is hard to pop because it means you won’t look at your favorite television show the same. So if you don’t want the happiness you get from a television show to be forever ruined, go ahead and skip to Lesson #4 once you finish this sentence. For those of you who stayed with me, don’t say I didn’t warn you. So think about your favorite American television show or just a television show that you really admire. “Friends”, “Cheers”, “The Boondocks”, “The Simpsons”, “Home Improvement”, “Grey’s Anatomy”, “Full House”, “Big Mouth”, “Star Trek”, “Seinfeld”…..these shows and so many more have a common theme amongst them all. Next time you watch an episode, imagine that the writers are playing a mind game with the actors/actresses. Imagine that the actors/actresses are going through mental hell with their dialogue. Imagine that the executives of the show are trying to send a message to the actors/actresses. Imagine the actors/actresses are trying to send a message to each other, the executives, and us the viewers through the dialogue and tone of voice. Pay attention to the hand movements, facial expressions, and characters they use for certain scenes. Because of this television programming, we haven’t realized that our brains are wired like these tv show scripts to say what we want to say without actually saying what we want to say. But I’ve said too much…

Lesson #4: Confidence is a Leadership Skill

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If you’re not confident in yourself, then people won’t be confident in you. Many researchers will tell you that people gravitate towards leaders with confidence. I mean, think about it. Are you going to get on a plane where the pilot says, “I’m not that great of a pilot”? Do you want the surgeon to operate on you who is not confident in his/her skills? Are you going to follow the orders of a boss who doesn’t believe in their ability to succeed? The answer to all these questions: Fuck No! So if you want to be the leader that you know you can be, then start believing in yourself first so that people start believing in you.

Lesson #5: Keep Your Eye on These Corporations

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Nowadays, power is in data. As a millennial, I’ve been freely giving away my data since I was in middle school. All these online media platforms innocently ask me for my name, birthdate, phone number and interests. Here I am, giving my information away for convenience and the feeling of connection. However, this information is going somewhere. Someone has all of this information. Who? I don’t know. But everything anyone needs to know about me is out there for a large corporation to take advantage of in order to sell my data to a business that wants to advertise to me. Not only that, but isn’t it weird that someone in this world has access to the most intimate parts of my life (i.e. control over my “smart home”, track of my purchasing habits, etc.)

Okay, this is the part where I probably sound paranoid as fuck and could possibly be on the corner yelling about “the man” and how he’s out to get us. I’m aware of this. However, you don’t have to believe me…I just want you to be aware. So here are a list of some companies that you should keep your eye on: Alphabet Inc. (owns alot but mainly Google), General Electric Company (GE), Uber, AT&T, CBS, NBC (maybe part of GE), Time Warner, Viacom, News Corp, Amazon, Netflix, Disney, Verizon Communications, Apple, JP Morgan, Facebook, and Twitter.

Lesson #6: America is the Most Sexually Fueled, yet Sexually Frustrated Society

America has a society where all advertisers know that “sex sells”. Yet, we refuse to have open dialogue and discuss sex in public. We’re prudish about sex but it’s in our faces on  a daily. No wonder America is sexually frustrated. There’s this theory in America that white suburban women have desires of being with a black man for “a sense of danger”. There’s another theory that many men in heterosexual monogamous couples are secretly hiding their desire to be with another man sexually, which is why the face of a woman in a perfume ad is not needed. The idea of being with a woman while seeing the face of a beautiful man is the ultimate guy porn. Or maybe my lack of sexual freedom is causing me to believe such ridiculous theories. Either way, have more consensual sex…it leads to a happier life (and maybe a better America)!

These were some of the major lessons I’ve learned after being an observer of our world in 2019.

I would like to acknowledge the following people, events, and art that contributed to my realizations this year: Jon Stewart, Late Night Show with Stephen Colbert, John Oliver, Dave Chapelle, Jerry Seinfeld, NBC sitcoms, Shonda Rhimes, CBS sitcoms, FOX sitcoms, Fox News, Sorry to Bother You, Netflix writers, my Google Home, Donald J. Trump’s administration, Rachel Maddow, Pod Save America, the censorship of the Federal Communications Commission, Anderson Cooper, Amy Schumer, the laziness and stupidity of society, Brexit, Hindenburg, Germany, the UK, the Cold War, World War II, Ronald Reagan presidency, Richard Nixon’s presidency, behavioral psychology, body language, the manipulation of the English language, greed and corruption of corporations, and the 1st amendment.

Top 7 Thoughts of a Suicidal Person

DISCLAIMER.WARNING.CAUTION: In absolutely no way am I encouraging or promoting suicide. If you are suicidal, please talk to someone either about this to work through the catalysts of these thoughts or something else to distract yourself from your thoughts. Suicide is not a solution no matter how many times you have rationalized it in your brain. The point of this article is to give perspective on the thoughts of a suicidal person so that people can have a better understanding of where we are coming from so that people’s support and help can be beneficial, and hopefully life changing.

Sooo suicide huh? I mean if you’ve never thought about taking your life or believing that your life is so worthless that you should end it all, then you have no idea what we are going through. No, I’m not a representative of all depressed and suicidal people. All I can do is give you perspective so that you can properly have an idea of what some of us are feeling so that it can in turn lead you to properly help us in our times of need.

So I have been quoted to say that I am a “survivor of my suicidal thoughts”. But people don’t really know the thoughts that are swirling through your head when you are rationalizing taking that gun, those pills, the knife, that jump, some poison, or whatever other ‘googled’ way to end your life.

So here are the top 7 thoughts (from my personal experience) that go through my head when I’m suicidal:

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Source: https://healthblog.uofmhealth.org/wellness-prevention/after-13-reasons-why-a-spotlight-on-teen-suicide-warning-signs 

1. “I want the pain to end.”

Whether you are going through physical pain, mental turmoil, abuse, or a combination of these and other pains, you have a sincere desire to want the pain to end. Pain is not fun to endure…obviously. Logically, you are trying to find the solution of how your pain should end. Therefore, ending life altogether, in the suicidal person’s rationale, will inherently end the pain.

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Source: https://kidshelpline.com.au/teens/issues/my-friend-thinking-about-suicide 

2. “Loved ones will be upset at first, but they’ll get over it.”

Contrary to popular belief, the consequences to the people you leave behind constantly resides in your rationale during the low depths of your suicidal thoughts. Many people’s “prevention method” for convincing someone to not be suicidal is to shame someone with the branding of being selfish. We know that there will be pain in loved ones’ lives. We know that it will be a tragically difficult reality to face if we decided to take our lives. We know that guilt will be grappling family members who for some reason feel they could’ve been my hero. However, we know it will also just be a reaction of mourning. After time passes, you will be okay and get on with life because time forces you to get over it. It’s nothing personal, it’s just how life works. (Again, this is the rationale of a suicidal person…)

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Source: https://www.youthbeyondblue.com/understand-what%27s-going-on/low-self-esteem-and-body-image 

3. “I’m not worth anything.”

Low self-worth is a major factor of suicidal thinking and depression. I genuinely do not see value in my life. I am not worth anything to anybody. I am no one’s priority. These are facts in my mind that constantly repeat themselves. It’s usually ingrained in my day-to-day actions and brain hard-wiring. Therefore, what do you usually do with things that you do not find value in? You classify it as trash and throw it away.

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Source: https://notices.californiatimes.com/gdpr/latimes.com/ 

4. “No one understands me.”

Oh my gosh. This is probably one of THE MOST common thoughts of people in general. However, as a suicidal person, this provides more of a reason to end it all. Psychologists are correct with that whole need of belonging. When you feel understood, you feel as though you belong. The more I personally feel that I’m not understood, the more I feel that I do not belong on this Earth. (Now that I think about it, no wonder people surround themselves with people who share similar views as them…it feels good to be understood & provides validation in your thoughts & inevitably your existence.)

 

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Source: https://pngio.com/PNG/3947-happy-world-png.html 

5. “The world would be better off if I’m dead.”

Yeah, this is an extremely morbid thought, but true in the mind of some suicidal people. I know I find “evidence” in my life to support this thinking, like “Oh, I said something shitty to someone I supposedly love and have caused them pain. They would have never endured this pain if I was never born” Or “People in my life are blaming me for all of this shitty stuff so I might as well die.” This thought can be tied to the thought of wanting the pain to end.

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Source: https://memegenerator.net/instance/75949017/gloomy-eeyore-whats-the-point-anymore 

6. “There is no point to live.”

What’s the point? If you are ever with someone who is truly considering suicide, they are constantly asking this question. If a psychologist, friend, family member, or caring human is asked this question from somebody, please keep in mind that “There is no point to live” is the driving force behind the inquiry of ‘What’s the point?’

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Source: https://www.123rf.com/photo_63179300_women-hand-writing-what-do-i-deserve-with-black-marker-on-visual-screen-isolated-on-white-business-t.html 

7. “I don’t deserve to live.”

This thought has strong ties with thoughts #3 (“I’m not worth anything.”) and  #5 (“The world would be better off if I’m dead”).  The whole concept of deserving something is based on self-worth. For some reason, a suicidal person may have convinced themselves along the way that they do not deserve any joy or happiness in the world, unfortunately.

Sooooo yeah. I honestly don’t know what to say after all that. It’s my truth. It’s my constant thoughts. However, I still hold on to life…waiting to see if evolution of the mind is possible. I guess my curiosity (and deep fear of pain) causes me to hold on to see the one day where I laugh at the absurdity of these thoughts ever being my thoughts, instead of still believing in them fully. (This conclusion was for those of you who need the silver lining in everything.)

 

Everything is Bullshit…

Everything is bullshit. Your job. Your time….it’s all bullshit.

I know this sounds very morbid and depressing, but let me explain.

Let’s break down a fragment of your life called ‘the week.’ There are 24 hours in a day, which means you have 168 hours in a week. Are you with me so far? Cool.

Now let’s factor in your career/job. If you are the typical working adult with a full-time job, you work 40 hours per week, which means that about 24% of your life is dedicated to your job.

Let’s not forget to factor the travel time to and from your job. Let’s just say you are an average person in a city who lives about 30 minutes from your job. Therefore, that’s an hour per day (5 hours per week) dedicated to traveling time for your job, estimated at 3% of your weekly existence.

Now you can’t forget about sleep. So let’s say you get on average about 6 hours of sleep each night, which is 42 hours of your week dedicated to sleep. That means that 25% of your existence is you simply recharging your body so you can be ready for the events of your life, including work.

Are you still with me? So for the average person: 24% of your life is you working your lovely ‘Monday-Friday 9-5’ job, 3% of your life traveling to this lovely job, and 25% of your life resting…so you can be ready for this lovely 9-5 job.

So you have 48% of your life left to actually do what you want to do. Less than half of your adult life is your own. 

I don’t know about you, but that scares the fuck out of me!

My life is not even my own (excuse me, 52% of my life is not my own).

Now if you have a family full of dependents, then your 48% is basically gone. That extra time that you are not working, sleeping, or traveling to work now belongs to raising your children.

What rattles my brain (and has me borderline insane) is the fact that everybody is walking around acting like we should be happy with this 48% of our lives that we have left of ‘freedom’. As if I should be grateful that I even get a portion of my life to myself…

WTF! I thought this was MY life. Therefore, why don’t I have freedom with 100% of my time? So basically, I’m 48% free?!

This is the type of bullshit that plagues the deeply analytical person’s mind. How can you tell me with a straight-face that I should be happy with this? This isn’t even me saying the cup is half empty or half full because it’s not 50/50! More of my life is spent doing what I don’t really have a choice in doing.

I know…I know…you are probably saying one of the following things:

  • “Well you better make that 48% of your time count and jam-packed with everything you love!”
  • “You should dedicate that 24% of your time spent on your job to a job that you are actually passionate about.”
  • “That’s just the way it is. Deal with it.”
  • “Dang. You didn’t even factor in eating.”
  • “Wow. I didn’t even think about that. Now I’m depressed.”

This post isn’t coming from a “fuck my life” place. I am still on the search for purpose and inner peace, and I refuse to give up on this journey called life (and I strongly encourage you to not give up on life either).

I just ask of you to help me understand: why should I be content with this 48% of life that I have?

If I can get to a point where I am content with this whole concept of life, then I (and probably many others) are on the first step to truly tackling depression.

Please comment to help my brain.