I Am My Mother.

I don’t remember my fall from the tree.

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Source: https://www.thoughtco.com/more-spanish-proverbs-3079512

From how my life is looking, I’m confident my fall from the tree embarrassed gravity for not working hard enough.

There’s a day where you wake up and realize that you are just like your parent. You grow up in denial with the fairy tale of thinking you’ll be different, you’ll do this, this, and this, which your parent never did; therefore, you’ve got to be the exception to the “like-mother-like-daughter” and “like-father-like-son” majority. The realization innocently starts… with a subtle notice of your face scrunching up the same way as your mother’s or when you look at the mirror and see your smile favors your father’s in every way. Gradually, you start noticing behavioral similarities, such as how you always laugh to avoid conflict, or how you always expect the worst from others.

When you finally come to grips that becoming your parent is an inevitable part of life, you rationalize that it’s not so bad as long as the negative traits you acquired don’t affect your well being.

Then…you spend your Friday night staring at the bottom of your mason jar, refilling it with some orange juice and Hennessy, tears cascading down your face, because your worst fear is your reality.

You are your parent.

Constant pattern that I’ve noticed of myself is that I always default to assuming the worst. I either think no one loves me, or I think my friends really don’t care about me, they have ulterior motives so that’s the only reason they tolerate me. Or if today was a really good day, something fucked up is definitely about to happen soon.

It’s a nagging pain that I go through on a consistent basis, but I was stopped in my tracks the other day when I finally connected the origin of this behavior to my mother.

Speaking Your Love Language

That first kiss will let me know…

how deep I can go

where the boundary begins 

what to do next. 

Lower and lower my touches will go…

Warmer and warmer your body will go…

Closer and closer our vibes will approach…

Louder and louder our moans will grow…

Touches so precious…

Praying feelings don’t fill me 

Only satisfaction covering. 

Skeptical to approach your thoughts 

Rather your body speak 

Give your mind a vacation 

Allow your soul to be pleased through touch 

Right is this moment 

Wrong is any analysis 

Your touch on my neck 

Holding my breath to anticipate what’s next 

Love, the silent attendee 

Lowkey in the air 

Unlocking unknown destination 

Releasing irrelevancy 

Floating, whispering, 

Acknowledging, wimpering, 

Validating, submissing, 

Time finally captivating 

Seeking answers or 

Distracting my mental 

Either or is a satisfaction 

Simply enhancing existence 

Siren Call

Look, your time would be better spent with me. 

Forget work. 

Forget priorities. 

Forget obligations.  

Forget time, with me. 

I know what you need because I need it too. 

I know what you like because I like it too. 

So come on.  

You will be okay. 

Spend time with me. 

Show me what I see in your eyes. 

Do what is in your mind…with me. 

(If there were no negative consequences, would you join me without hesitation?) 

You would enjoy our time together, which may be your fear. 

Sometimes I think you hesitate because you know deep down that you would enjoy yourself in a whole new way if you let go of your inhibitions with me… and that is one of your biggest fears. That is what keeps you up at night. That is what makes you feel guilty even though you haven’t even done anything. The fact that you know this to be true is what keeps you questioning your every action around me. 

Well I don’t want to be your source of guilt or restriction…

I want to be your friend in fun.

I want to be your leader of peace…

your explorer of self…

your co-captiain in experiencing joy. 

Unrequited Love, Part 2

See are you ready for the honesty 

About this reality

That you might not see

That uncovers this “you and me”? 

We share the need to always inspire

Lifting each other’s moods satisfies our desire

Constantly stroking your ego 

In order to tame your inner hoe

The attention you get at home

Not enough to stop your eyes from the roam. 

But you’re not the only guilty party

My motives not 100% hearty 

I have a pattern of wanting what I can’t possess

The power of temptation, my biggest turn-on, I confess.

And maybe I enjoy the attention you provide 

To the little girl in me I try to hide

The limited care you bless me with

May be enough for me to prolong this myth

And maybe the main reason for my love for you

Has to do with the pain you own too.

At the end of the day I just want you to heal

I want to be the reason you start to feel…

Feel something besides the crushing weight of this life

But common sense reminds me that’s reserved for your wife

Your better has become my worse

Unrequited love seeming to be my curse. 

To My First Love

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Source: https://www.pinclipart.com/pindetail/ibhhxwx_first-love-clipart-png-download/

You were my escape…my sweet, sexy escape from dealing with the broken pieces of me. Instead of learning how to put my pieces together on my own, I would focus all of my energy putting your pieces together in the hopes you’d return the favor.

Oh, how foolish. Oh, how naive. Oh, how hurt I was.

How silly of me to depend on someone else to put my pieces together, when I’m the one who knows where all the pieces need to go. You were stuck with the job of putting a puzzle together but not knowing what the final product should look like. I now know that I should be in charge of assembly. Then frustration arises when you don’t know how to fix me. Ha! Shame on me for putting that pressure on you. Shame unfairly on you for making you “the reason” for my moods, my emotions, my level of self-worth. I gave you a responsibility that did not belong to you. In fact, you had no power over it at all. But I convinced myself you did. And the truth of it all, I had the power over my self-worth, but I assigned you that power so I didn’t have to deal with the trauma and pain I’ve buried inside.

You were great support, but I wanted a dictator. You were the love I never had, but I wanted abuse. You were the security I didn’t know existed, but I wanted uncertainty. Silly me. Silly me. What I wanted, I didn’t need. What I thought I needed was merely born from ignorance.

And now I pause and wonder…how many times have I let my ignorance stop me from obtaining greatness, my full potential, and ultimate joy? My ignorance of thought, the limits I’ve created when boundaries weren’t set, the prolonged beats of overcompensation may have blocked me from an alternate life of joy.

With these revelations, I apologize to you. I apologize for unrealistically expecting you to be my hero who would rescue me from the torture chamber of my mind. For I must be my own hero in order to live my happily ever after. I apologize for imposing my insecurities on you. Maybe if I would have learned this back then, my happily-ever-after would feature you as my co-star.

No love ever lost in my heart for you. I continue to love you from a distance. Thank you for being my first love and helping me grow and learn.

 

To All My Friends

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https://media1.tenor.com/images/dcddaa06a2f55518505203f99bcb0cfc/tenor.gif?itemid=4527509

I feel like I should pre-warn every encounter we have with an apology.

See here’s the thing: I do not like myself. To be honest, I have a deep hatred of myself.

This self-hate didn’t just occur recently. It’s a deep rooted seed that’s been growing in my thoughts since as young as I can remember. It started innocently with myself realizing at a young age that I don’t really have anything important to say, so maybe I should be quiet. I began to not trust that my ideas were of any value. They later morphed into me realizing that I, as a person, don’t have much value.

Once my brain held onto this core belief, the trust issues flourished. I question why people love me. I question why people bother to spend time with me. Since I can’t understand what I like about myself, I damn sure have raised eyebrows to you all who claim to like me when you don’t have to.

The times when my brain’s paranoia breaks down and asks you, “what do you even like about me,” your response is the polar opposite of the perception I have of myself. That’s when my mind tweaks out of control. I feel as though my brain has a malfunction when I hear your response because it’s been telling me for so long how horrible, unimportant, and worthless I am; hearing you, a friend, debunk my perception of myself causes a glitch in my brain trying to make sense of it.

And my preferred response to anyone debunking the perception of my worthlessness includes becoming defensive and proving you wrong. My method of proving you wrong ranges from becoming a selfish brat who has to get her way, to killing the vibe with my silence and not being in the present moment.

I guess it’s how turtles climb in their shell when they feel scared. And yes, hanging out with you scares me.

It scares me because I feel you’re going to finally “come to your senses” and see me how I see myself.

The fear of you seeing me the way I see me is the reason I cry. It’s the reason I begin to distance myself from you. It’s the reason I sometimes do and say asshole shit to you. It’s the reason I can’t sleep most nights.

So, that’s why I’m working on rewiring my brain to see the positive traits of myself and to accept the negative traits of myself but not enlarge them to immense proportions while I work to improve on them.

As I’m working on this, please be patient with me. Remind me to speak up for myself when I trail off when I talk. Let me know when I start becoming a selfish toddler and try to control every thing we watch or do. Call me out on when you feel I am hiding how I feel and think with euphemisms and double entendres. And definitely reassure me that you still love my crazy ass even after I get on your nerves with my weirdness.

I strongly believe I don’t deserve your friendship. But I know that I need your friendship.

Your friendship holds so much value to me. Our friendship is the most valuable thing I have, and I damn sure don’t want to lose it because of a conviction based on deep rooted issues that are based on insecurities in the alternate reality in my head.

Sincerely,

Your friend who’s working on getting better

Slap Away My Distorted Perception

 

distorted-perception-qbee-whitener
https://fineartamerica.com/featured/distorted-perception-qbee-whitener.html

My insecurities have been clouding my perspective for years. 

How I perceive my relationships, my role in others’ lives, and myself in general is distorted by the insecurities that have anchored in my mind. 

The constant belief that no one cares about me…

The comfort I feel from wallowing in my self-pity…

Orchestrating my life so I can be this self-loathing character.

Yeah, I’m so over this mind game I continue to play where I sabotage my happiness. 

Time to reprogram my brain.

Realizing that I’m missing out on truly enjoying my life, my friendships, the beauty of the world all because of emotional scarring…

it’s the biggest slap in the face that needed to happen in order for change to begin.

The Bigger Picture

The bigger picture is…

what keeps you alive.

what keeps you sane(ish).

what makes you laugh in the present.

what contradicts criticism.

the upbeat tempo that moves throughout your body.

the exhalation of your stress.

the rationale of the value of your obstacles.

unable to be seen from your current view.

The bigger picture…

looks different at the best vantage point.

exceeds your imagination’s limits.

breathes in salt water air on the beach while deep in thought.

views a busy city from the top floor.

listens to the ecosystem during a hike in the woods.

watches the stars on the countryside.

The bigger picture is your peace of mind…

disguised as a destination, while needed for the foundation, but only exists through the journey.

big-picture
https://aboutmeditation.com/using-meditation-to-see-the-bigger-picture/

 

Top 7 Thoughts of a Suicidal Person

DISCLAIMER.WARNING.CAUTION: In absolutely no way am I encouraging or promoting suicide. If you are suicidal, please talk to someone either about this to work through the catalysts of these thoughts or something else to distract yourself from your thoughts. Suicide is not a solution no matter how many times you have rationalized it in your brain. The point of this article is to give perspective on the thoughts of a suicidal person so that people can have a better understanding of where we are coming from so that people’s support and help can be beneficial, and hopefully life changing.

Sooo suicide huh? I mean if you’ve never thought about taking your life or believing that your life is so worthless that you should end it all, then you have no idea what we are going through. No, I’m not a representative of all depressed and suicidal people. All I can do is give you perspective so that you can properly have an idea of what some of us are feeling so that it can in turn lead you to properly help us in our times of need.

So I have been quoted to say that I am a “survivor of my suicidal thoughts”. But people don’t really know the thoughts that are swirling through your head when you are rationalizing taking that gun, those pills, the knife, that jump, some poison, or whatever other ‘googled’ way to end your life.

So here are the top 7 thoughts (from my personal experience) that go through my head when I’m suicidal:

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Source: https://healthblog.uofmhealth.org/wellness-prevention/after-13-reasons-why-a-spotlight-on-teen-suicide-warning-signs 

1. “I want the pain to end.”

Whether you are going through physical pain, mental turmoil, abuse, or a combination of these and other pains, you have a sincere desire to want the pain to end. Pain is not fun to endure…obviously. Logically, you are trying to find the solution of how your pain should end. Therefore, ending life altogether, in the suicidal person’s rationale, will inherently end the pain.

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Source: https://kidshelpline.com.au/teens/issues/my-friend-thinking-about-suicide 

2. “Loved ones will be upset at first, but they’ll get over it.”

Contrary to popular belief, the consequences to the people you leave behind constantly resides in your rationale during the low depths of your suicidal thoughts. Many people’s “prevention method” for convincing someone to not be suicidal is to shame someone with the branding of being selfish. We know that there will be pain in loved ones’ lives. We know that it will be a tragically difficult reality to face if we decided to take our lives. We know that guilt will be grappling family members who for some reason feel they could’ve been my hero. However, we know it will also just be a reaction of mourning. After time passes, you will be okay and get on with life because time forces you to get over it. It’s nothing personal, it’s just how life works. (Again, this is the rationale of a suicidal person…)

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Source: https://www.youthbeyondblue.com/understand-what%27s-going-on/low-self-esteem-and-body-image 

3. “I’m not worth anything.”

Low self-worth is a major factor of suicidal thinking and depression. I genuinely do not see value in my life. I am not worth anything to anybody. I am no one’s priority. These are facts in my mind that constantly repeat themselves. It’s usually ingrained in my day-to-day actions and brain hard-wiring. Therefore, what do you usually do with things that you do not find value in? You classify it as trash and throw it away.

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Source: https://notices.californiatimes.com/gdpr/latimes.com/ 

4. “No one understands me.”

Oh my gosh. This is probably one of THE MOST common thoughts of people in general. However, as a suicidal person, this provides more of a reason to end it all. Psychologists are correct with that whole need of belonging. When you feel understood, you feel as though you belong. The more I personally feel that I’m not understood, the more I feel that I do not belong on this Earth. (Now that I think about it, no wonder people surround themselves with people who share similar views as them…it feels good to be understood & provides validation in your thoughts & inevitably your existence.)

 

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Source: https://pngio.com/PNG/3947-happy-world-png.html 

5. “The world would be better off if I’m dead.”

Yeah, this is an extremely morbid thought, but true in the mind of some suicidal people. I know I find “evidence” in my life to support this thinking, like “Oh, I said something shitty to someone I supposedly love and have caused them pain. They would have never endured this pain if I was never born” Or “People in my life are blaming me for all of this shitty stuff so I might as well die.” This thought can be tied to the thought of wanting the pain to end.

Image result for what's the point meme
Source: https://memegenerator.net/instance/75949017/gloomy-eeyore-whats-the-point-anymore 

6. “There is no point to live.”

What’s the point? If you are ever with someone who is truly considering suicide, they are constantly asking this question. If a psychologist, friend, family member, or caring human is asked this question from somebody, please keep in mind that “There is no point to live” is the driving force behind the inquiry of ‘What’s the point?’

Image result for what do i deserve
Source: https://www.123rf.com/photo_63179300_women-hand-writing-what-do-i-deserve-with-black-marker-on-visual-screen-isolated-on-white-business-t.html 

7. “I don’t deserve to live.”

This thought has strong ties with thoughts #3 (“I’m not worth anything.”) and  #5 (“The world would be better off if I’m dead”).  The whole concept of deserving something is based on self-worth. For some reason, a suicidal person may have convinced themselves along the way that they do not deserve any joy or happiness in the world, unfortunately.

Sooooo yeah. I honestly don’t know what to say after all that. It’s my truth. It’s my constant thoughts. However, I still hold on to life…waiting to see if evolution of the mind is possible. I guess my curiosity (and deep fear of pain) causes me to hold on to see the one day where I laugh at the absurdity of these thoughts ever being my thoughts, instead of still believing in them fully. (This conclusion was for those of you who need the silver lining in everything.)

 

Consistency is Key…but I lost it

Consistency is the major key advice people give you on any journey of growth and/or success.

Exhibit A:

So we all know this…I know this….and yet I continue to be the most inconsistent person in the world!

I’m inconsistent with all aspects of my life….my living situation, driving, relationship dynamics, communication, food intake, sleeping patterns, my writing, etc.

Driving for example. I will be going about a good 70 miles per hour on the highway, drifting off into the millions of thoughts that come to my head, and then I look down at the odometer and see that I’m going 60 instead with a line of cars passing me by.

Or communication. I will text you all buddy buddy for a week or so and then decide that it’s too much so I “ghost” you (as many of the Americanized youth would say). In my head, I’m thinking that I’m giving you something to miss and that brings my appreciation value up (and yes I calculate my appreciation value to others…I don’t think that’s healthy though).

Or in the blogging/writing field. I made a promise to myself that I would blog once a week because consistency leads to more exposure and credibility and trust and a whole lot of cool stuff that I aspire my words to create to an audience of critical thinkers.

And yet here I am with a blog that has been around for over 2 months, and I only have 2 articles published (make this 3 if  I actually publish this shit).

I can think of probably hundreds of examples in my life where I’m inconsistent, but I think you get the point.

And what’s even more annoying is that I know that deep down the real reason why I’m inconsistent with just about everything I do is credited to my fear of commitment.

Image result for consistency quotes

I mean if we want to be honest, I’m afraid of commitment. The whole idea creeps me out. Like the whole concept of commitment seems like bondage, like you are stuck with this thing that you are forcing yourself to do even though you have the power and free will to change it. It’s like some sick, twisted cruel joke that you are playing on yourself just to prove to yourself, or to whoever, that you have stability or discipline in your life. I don’t know….the whole idea of commitment and consistency just seems…..pathetic.

Or maybe that’s just me covering the fact that I need help coming to terms with the fact that pure loyalty to something or someone does actually exist…or maybe really I just don’t believe loyalty to me exists.

Let’s look at one of the biggest exercises of consistency: a romantic relationship. My outlook on commitment is similar to Chandler Bing’s from “Friends” Seasons 1-4. If you are unfamiliar with the classic American sitcom, Chandler Bing is a person who was so afraid of commitment that there are scenes of him literally gasping for air whenever he felt that a commitment in a relationship would start to brew.

I understand that exact feeling. I’ve only been in two committed relationships, one was for 6 months and the other was for 2 years. The reason for both relationship’s end was me “gasping for air” in a sense. I felt too tied down….too “committed” so to say.

What causes this fear of commitment you ask? Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiyyyyyiiiiiiiiittttttt if I know.

To be honest, I don’t think I want to know yet.

I just want to be successful in life without consistency. They say anything is possible so maybe this is possible, too?? (I don’t think it’s possible either, but just go with the flow with me so I can address this deep seated issue without deeply diving into it at the moment.)