Dear you…

Dear you,

You are good. Your essence, your being, your instincts provide me with a warmth that I was unsure I could ever feel.

Yet your pain, your experiences of disappointment, your memories of betrayal inhibit the pure joy we can experience with each other.

Being with you is right. Spending time out of my life with you is worth majority of my time. Yet trust is needed to be ourselves within the moments we are in each other’s presence.

You are enough for the presence of my joy.

Release those other thoughts so that our connection can be so powerful that our breaths are taken away.

Know me fully…get to know all of me so you can understand how strong our connection really is.

Admiration is the initial steps, but understanding and acceptance is the key to unlocking the magic we can create.

Secret wishes I’m jotting in hopes the atmosphere solidifies them in our next encounter.

With sincerity,

Your friend

In Search of the Light in Me

Thinker.

Lost in the clouds.

Grounded in the truth.

Yet, what is my truth?

In search and hurry for the me

I’m meant to be,

but patience is what I keep

going back to to be the best me.

Second guess everything!

But it’s all love.

Love is everything.

Love. Is. Everything.

One day,

the moments will be present.

Constant battle with

the past, present, and future.

Never understand who

wins until later.

But that’s the beauty of life

and hindsight…

I do not need to understand everything.

Yes, that frustrates me, but

I know it to be true.

Light.

My Inner Beast

Temporary danger to remind me that I’m alive. 

Heartbeat pumping in my throat, 

Waiting to be replaced with your loving. 

Longing for this moment with our names marked on it, 

Firmness in every touch to solidify this reality…

Hair pulling, ass grabbing, bite marking…

Exhales with fewer spaces in between to eventually create elongated sigh…

Been waiting to exhale 

Burning away the bullshit of life

Discovering life’s beauty 

With each lick that shivers your spine. 

Kisses, the only currency in our world. 

Needs and wants blurring together…

Heat of our bodies creating blurred lines, 

No time to feel empty 

When your desire is overflowing. 

Biting the inside of my lip to bite back my beast. 

Anything hard, it’s my mission to make soft. 

Anything wet, it’s my job to mop…

Probably causing more mess. 

Filth peaks my interest…

The feline in me believing my tongue  is cleaning. 

Your motives irrelevant 

As long as I believe my thirst is quenched. 

Never one to beg, 

Rarely pleased myself

Yet enjoying each second of the ride. 

The more you know me 

The less you’ll be aroused 

Silence about me is key 

To all of our chemistry. 

Learning Love

There are holes within me that no man nor woman can fill. 

Yet I damn near confuse the heat felt from your love as my completion…

When really what I feel with you is validation for me to repair what I’ve put off. 

Your love doesn’t heal me… it doesn’t possess that power to fix me. 

No matter how elevated we get in the clouds when we spend time together,

Your intent to save me will never equate to you being my Savior. 

I can cry a million tears in your arms,

But those tears will never transform into the living water that heals my soul. 

For we are both mortals, intentions pure, but weak with flesh. 

Even though you can never save me, 

you have that natural power to encourage me…

Encourage me to find the answers within myself to heal…

encourage me to continue to spread the love of God that flows through me… 

encourage me to get a step closer on my path of righteousness… 

encourage me to repair the patches of my soul,

so that I may receive fulfillment instead of emptiness from leaks. 

Really that’s what love is. 

Not to fix me. 

Not to heal me. 

Love is so powerful it encourages me to fix and heal myself. 

Quarantine Bae

In a fight to be that somebody for you

Never stopped to think if I even wanted you to be my somebody 

The focus always on what you needed 

Ignoring what I really needed 

More you, not I is what made our we work 

A recipe that tasted good to me but had bitter aftertaste 

Your satisfaction guaranteed 

An IOU, your gift to me 

Receipts of genuine admiration

Enough to provide reminiscing sensation 

Our memories a treasure that only our minds have the map to 

Appreciative of our time even if it came with an expiration date 

Knowing there was an end allowed for freedom of self  

Not afraid to show you all of me 

Just worried which part made you flee 

Wish I can send you a survey 

So I can learn from my mistakes 

Your feedback is always appreciated 

The reason I committed 

Good souls greeting each other 

For a period of time 

Cementing memories of lessons and joy

I Am My Mother.

I don’t remember my fall from the tree.

apple-does-not-fall-far-from-the-tree-122513144-5c49d069c9e77c00010322b7
Source: https://www.thoughtco.com/more-spanish-proverbs-3079512

From how my life is looking, I’m confident my fall from the tree embarrassed gravity for not working hard enough.

There’s a day where you wake up and realize that you are just like your parent. You grow up in denial with the fairy tale of thinking you’ll be different, you’ll do this, this, and this, which your parent never did; therefore, you’ve got to be the exception to the “like-mother-like-daughter” and “like-father-like-son” majority. The realization innocently starts… with a subtle notice of your face scrunching up the same way as your mother’s or when you look at the mirror and see your smile favors your father’s in every way. Gradually, you start noticing behavioral similarities, such as how you always laugh to avoid conflict, or how you always expect the worst from others.

When you finally come to grips that becoming your parent is an inevitable part of life, you rationalize that it’s not so bad as long as the negative traits you acquired don’t affect your well being.

Then…you spend your Friday night staring at the bottom of your mason jar, refilling it with some orange juice and Hennessy, tears cascading down your face, because your worst fear is your reality.

You are your parent.

Constant pattern that I’ve noticed of myself is that I always default to assuming the worst. I either think no one loves me, or I think my friends really don’t care about me, they have ulterior motives so that’s the only reason they tolerate me. Or if today was a really good day, something fucked up is definitely about to happen soon.

It’s a nagging pain that I go through on a consistent basis, but I was stopped in my tracks the other day when I finally connected the origin of this behavior to my mother.

Siren Call

Look, your time would be better spent with me. 

Forget work. 

Forget priorities. 

Forget obligations.  

Forget time, with me. 

I know what you need because I need it too. 

I know what you like because I like it too. 

So come on.  

You will be okay. 

Spend time with me. 

Show me what I see in your eyes. 

Do what is in your mind…with me. 

(If there were no negative consequences, would you join me without hesitation?) 

You would enjoy our time together, which may be your fear. 

Sometimes I think you hesitate because you know deep down that you would enjoy yourself in a whole new way if you let go of your inhibitions with me… and that is one of your biggest fears. That is what keeps you up at night. That is what makes you feel guilty even though you haven’t even done anything. The fact that you know this to be true is what keeps you questioning your every action around me. 

Well I don’t want to be your source of guilt or restriction…

I want to be your friend in fun.

I want to be your leader of peace…

your explorer of self…

your co-captiain in experiencing joy.