My Inner Beast

Temporary danger to remind me that I’m alive. 

Heartbeat pumping in my throat, 

Waiting to be replaced with your loving. 

Longing for this moment with our names marked on it, 

Firmness in every touch to solidify this reality…

Hair pulling, ass grabbing, bite marking…

Exhales with fewer spaces in between to eventually create elongated sigh…

Been waiting to exhale 

Burning away the bullshit of life

Discovering life’s beauty 

With each lick that shivers your spine. 

Kisses, the only currency in our world. 

Needs and wants blurring together…

Heat of our bodies creating blurred lines, 

No time to feel empty 

When your desire is overflowing. 

Biting the inside of my lip to bite back my beast. 

Anything hard, it’s my mission to make soft. 

Anything wet, it’s my job to mop…

Probably causing more mess. 

Filth peaks my interest…

The feline in me believing my tongue  is cleaning. 

Your motives irrelevant 

As long as I believe my thirst is quenched. 

Never one to beg, 

Rarely pleased myself

Yet enjoying each second of the ride. 

The more you know me 

The less you’ll be aroused 

Silence about me is key 

To all of our chemistry. 

Learning Love

There are holes within me that no man nor woman can fill. 

Yet I damn near confuse the heat felt from your love as my completion…

When really what I feel with you is validation for me to repair what I’ve put off. 

Your love doesn’t heal me… it doesn’t possess that power to fix me. 

No matter how elevated we get in the clouds when we spend time together,

Your intent to save me will never equate to you being my Savior. 

I can cry a million tears in your arms,

But those tears will never transform into the living water that heals my soul. 

For we are both mortals, intentions pure, but weak with flesh. 

Even though you can never save me, 

you have that natural power to encourage me…

Encourage me to find the answers within myself to heal…

encourage me to continue to spread the love of God that flows through me… 

encourage me to get a step closer on my path of righteousness… 

encourage me to repair the patches of my soul,

so that I may receive fulfillment instead of emptiness from leaks. 

Really that’s what love is. 

Not to fix me. 

Not to heal me. 

Love is so powerful it encourages me to fix and heal myself. 

Quarantine Bae

In a fight to be that somebody for you

Never stopped to think if I even wanted you to be my somebody 

The focus always on what you needed 

Ignoring what I really needed 

More you, not I is what made our we work 

A recipe that tasted good to me but had bitter aftertaste 

Your satisfaction guaranteed 

An IOU, your gift to me 

Receipts of genuine admiration

Enough to provide reminiscing sensation 

Our memories a treasure that only our minds have the map to 

Appreciative of our time even if it came with an expiration date 

Knowing there was an end allowed for freedom of self  

Not afraid to show you all of me 

Just worried which part made you flee 

Wish I can send you a survey 

So I can learn from my mistakes 

Your feedback is always appreciated 

The reason I committed 

Good souls greeting each other 

For a period of time 

Cementing memories of lessons and joy

I Am My Mother.

I don’t remember my fall from the tree.

apple-does-not-fall-far-from-the-tree-122513144-5c49d069c9e77c00010322b7
Source: https://www.thoughtco.com/more-spanish-proverbs-3079512

From how my life is looking, I’m confident my fall from the tree embarrassed gravity for not working hard enough.

There’s a day where you wake up and realize that you are just like your parent. You grow up in denial with the fairy tale of thinking you’ll be different, you’ll do this, this, and this, which your parent never did; therefore, you’ve got to be the exception to the “like-mother-like-daughter” and “like-father-like-son” majority. The realization innocently starts… with a subtle notice of your face scrunching up the same way as your mother’s or when you look at the mirror and see your smile favors your father’s in every way. Gradually, you start noticing behavioral similarities, such as how you always laugh to avoid conflict, or how you always expect the worst from others.

When you finally come to grips that becoming your parent is an inevitable part of life, you rationalize that it’s not so bad as long as the negative traits you acquired don’t affect your well being.

Then…you spend your Friday night staring at the bottom of your mason jar, refilling it with some orange juice and Hennessy, tears cascading down your face, because your worst fear is your reality.

You are your parent.

Constant pattern that I’ve noticed of myself is that I always default to assuming the worst. I either think no one loves me, or I think my friends really don’t care about me, they have ulterior motives so that’s the only reason they tolerate me. Or if today was a really good day, something fucked up is definitely about to happen soon.

It’s a nagging pain that I go through on a consistent basis, but I was stopped in my tracks the other day when I finally connected the origin of this behavior to my mother.

Siren Call

Look, your time would be better spent with me. 

Forget work. 

Forget priorities. 

Forget obligations.  

Forget time, with me. 

I know what you need because I need it too. 

I know what you like because I like it too. 

So come on.  

You will be okay. 

Spend time with me. 

Show me what I see in your eyes. 

Do what is in your mind…with me. 

(If there were no negative consequences, would you join me without hesitation?) 

You would enjoy our time together, which may be your fear. 

Sometimes I think you hesitate because you know deep down that you would enjoy yourself in a whole new way if you let go of your inhibitions with me… and that is one of your biggest fears. That is what keeps you up at night. That is what makes you feel guilty even though you haven’t even done anything. The fact that you know this to be true is what keeps you questioning your every action around me. 

Well I don’t want to be your source of guilt or restriction…

I want to be your friend in fun.

I want to be your leader of peace…

your explorer of self…

your co-captiain in experiencing joy. 

Unrequited Love, Part 2

See are you ready for the honesty 

About this reality

That you might not see

That uncovers this “you and me”? 

We share the need to always inspire

Lifting each other’s moods satisfies our desire

Constantly stroking your ego 

In order to tame your inner hoe

The attention you get at home

Not enough to stop your eyes from the roam. 

But you’re not the only guilty party

My motives not 100% hearty 

I have a pattern of wanting what I can’t possess

The power of temptation, my biggest turn-on, I confess.

And maybe I enjoy the attention you provide 

To the little girl in me I try to hide

The limited care you bless me with

May be enough for me to prolong this myth

And maybe the main reason for my love for you

Has to do with the pain you own too.

At the end of the day I just want you to heal

I want to be the reason you start to feel…

Feel something besides the crushing weight of this life

But common sense reminds me that’s reserved for your wife

Your better has become my worse

Unrequited love seeming to be my curse. 

Slap Away My Distorted Perception

 

distorted-perception-qbee-whitener
https://fineartamerica.com/featured/distorted-perception-qbee-whitener.html

My insecurities have been clouding my perspective for years. 

How I perceive my relationships, my role in others’ lives, and myself in general is distorted by the insecurities that have anchored in my mind. 

The constant belief that no one cares about me…

The comfort I feel from wallowing in my self-pity…

Orchestrating my life so I can be this self-loathing character.

Yeah, I’m so over this mind game I continue to play where I sabotage my happiness. 

Time to reprogram my brain.

Realizing that I’m missing out on truly enjoying my life, my friendships, the beauty of the world all because of emotional scarring…

it’s the biggest slap in the face that needed to happen in order for change to begin.

Top 7 Thoughts of a Suicidal Person

DISCLAIMER.WARNING.CAUTION: In absolutely no way am I encouraging or promoting suicide. If you are suicidal, please talk to someone either about this to work through the catalysts of these thoughts or something else to distract yourself from your thoughts. Suicide is not a solution no matter how many times you have rationalized it in your brain. The point of this article is to give perspective on the thoughts of a suicidal person so that people can have a better understanding of where we are coming from so that people’s support and help can be beneficial, and hopefully life changing.

Sooo suicide huh? I mean if you’ve never thought about taking your life or believing that your life is so worthless that you should end it all, then you have no idea what we are going through. No, I’m not a representative of all depressed and suicidal people. All I can do is give you perspective so that you can properly have an idea of what some of us are feeling so that it can in turn lead you to properly help us in our times of need.

So I have been quoted to say that I am a “survivor of my suicidal thoughts”. But people don’t really know the thoughts that are swirling through your head when you are rationalizing taking that gun, those pills, the knife, that jump, some poison, or whatever other ‘googled’ way to end your life.

So here are the top 7 thoughts (from my personal experience) that go through my head when I’m suicidal:

Image result for suicidal person cartoon
Source: https://healthblog.uofmhealth.org/wellness-prevention/after-13-reasons-why-a-spotlight-on-teen-suicide-warning-signs 

1. “I want the pain to end.”

Whether you are going through physical pain, mental turmoil, abuse, or a combination of these and other pains, you have a sincere desire to want the pain to end. Pain is not fun to endure…obviously. Logically, you are trying to find the solution of how your pain should end. Therefore, ending life altogether, in the suicidal person’s rationale, will inherently end the pain.

Related image
Source: https://kidshelpline.com.au/teens/issues/my-friend-thinking-about-suicide 

2. “Loved ones will be upset at first, but they’ll get over it.”

Contrary to popular belief, the consequences to the people you leave behind constantly resides in your rationale during the low depths of your suicidal thoughts. Many people’s “prevention method” for convincing someone to not be suicidal is to shame someone with the branding of being selfish. We know that there will be pain in loved ones’ lives. We know that it will be a tragically difficult reality to face if we decided to take our lives. We know that guilt will be grappling family members who for some reason feel they could’ve been my hero. However, we know it will also just be a reaction of mourning. After time passes, you will be okay and get on with life because time forces you to get over it. It’s nothing personal, it’s just how life works. (Again, this is the rationale of a suicidal person…)

Image result for low self worth
Source: https://www.youthbeyondblue.com/understand-what%27s-going-on/low-self-esteem-and-body-image 

3. “I’m not worth anything.”

Low self-worth is a major factor of suicidal thinking and depression. I genuinely do not see value in my life. I am not worth anything to anybody. I am no one’s priority. These are facts in my mind that constantly repeat themselves. It’s usually ingrained in my day-to-day actions and brain hard-wiring. Therefore, what do you usually do with things that you do not find value in? You classify it as trash and throw it away.

Image result for misunderstood person cartoon
Source: https://notices.californiatimes.com/gdpr/latimes.com/ 

4. “No one understands me.”

Oh my gosh. This is probably one of THE MOST common thoughts of people in general. However, as a suicidal person, this provides more of a reason to end it all. Psychologists are correct with that whole need of belonging. When you feel understood, you feel as though you belong. The more I personally feel that I’m not understood, the more I feel that I do not belong on this Earth. (Now that I think about it, no wonder people surround themselves with people who share similar views as them…it feels good to be understood & provides validation in your thoughts & inevitably your existence.)

 

Image result for happy world cartoon
Source: https://pngio.com/PNG/3947-happy-world-png.html 

5. “The world would be better off if I’m dead.”

Yeah, this is an extremely morbid thought, but true in the mind of some suicidal people. I know I find “evidence” in my life to support this thinking, like “Oh, I said something shitty to someone I supposedly love and have caused them pain. They would have never endured this pain if I was never born” Or “People in my life are blaming me for all of this shitty stuff so I might as well die.” This thought can be tied to the thought of wanting the pain to end.

Image result for what's the point meme
Source: https://memegenerator.net/instance/75949017/gloomy-eeyore-whats-the-point-anymore 

6. “There is no point to live.”

What’s the point? If you are ever with someone who is truly considering suicide, they are constantly asking this question. If a psychologist, friend, family member, or caring human is asked this question from somebody, please keep in mind that “There is no point to live” is the driving force behind the inquiry of ‘What’s the point?’

Image result for what do i deserve
Source: https://www.123rf.com/photo_63179300_women-hand-writing-what-do-i-deserve-with-black-marker-on-visual-screen-isolated-on-white-business-t.html 

7. “I don’t deserve to live.”

This thought has strong ties with thoughts #3 (“I’m not worth anything.”) and  #5 (“The world would be better off if I’m dead”).  The whole concept of deserving something is based on self-worth. For some reason, a suicidal person may have convinced themselves along the way that they do not deserve any joy or happiness in the world, unfortunately.

Sooooo yeah. I honestly don’t know what to say after all that. It’s my truth. It’s my constant thoughts. However, I still hold on to life…waiting to see if evolution of the mind is possible. I guess my curiosity (and deep fear of pain) causes me to hold on to see the one day where I laugh at the absurdity of these thoughts ever being my thoughts, instead of still believing in them fully. (This conclusion was for those of you who need the silver lining in everything.)