Slap Away My Distorted Perception

 

distorted-perception-qbee-whitener
https://fineartamerica.com/featured/distorted-perception-qbee-whitener.html

My insecurities have been clouding my perspective for years. 

How I perceive my relationships, my role in others’ lives, and myself in general is distorted by the insecurities that have anchored in my mind. 

The constant belief that no one cares about me…

The comfort I feel from wallowing in my self-pity…

Orchestrating my life so I can be this self-loathing character.

Yeah, I’m so over this mind game I continue to play where I sabotage my happiness. 

Time to reprogram my brain.

Realizing that I’m missing out on truly enjoying my life, my friendships, the beauty of the world all because of emotional scarring…

it’s the biggest slap in the face that needed to happen in order for change to begin.

Top 7 Thoughts of a Suicidal Person

DISCLAIMER.WARNING.CAUTION: In absolutely no way am I encouraging or promoting suicide. If you are suicidal, please talk to someone either about this to work through the catalysts of these thoughts or something else to distract yourself from your thoughts. Suicide is not a solution no matter how many times you have rationalized it in your brain. The point of this article is to give perspective on the thoughts of a suicidal person so that people can have a better understanding of where we are coming from so that people’s support and help can be beneficial, and hopefully life changing.

Sooo suicide huh? I mean if you’ve never thought about taking your life or believing that your life is so worthless that you should end it all, then you have no idea what we are going through. No, I’m not a representative of all depressed and suicidal people. All I can do is give you perspective so that you can properly have an idea of what some of us are feeling so that it can in turn lead you to properly help us in our times of need.

So I have been quoted to say that I am a “survivor of my suicidal thoughts”. But people don’t really know the thoughts that are swirling through your head when you are rationalizing taking that gun, those pills, the knife, that jump, some poison, or whatever other ‘googled’ way to end your life.

So here are the top 7 thoughts (from my personal experience) that go through my head when I’m suicidal:

Image result for suicidal person cartoon
Source: https://healthblog.uofmhealth.org/wellness-prevention/after-13-reasons-why-a-spotlight-on-teen-suicide-warning-signs 

1. “I want the pain to end.”

Whether you are going through physical pain, mental turmoil, abuse, or a combination of these and other pains, you have a sincere desire to want the pain to end. Pain is not fun to endure…obviously. Logically, you are trying to find the solution of how your pain should end. Therefore, ending life altogether, in the suicidal person’s rationale, will inherently end the pain.

Related image
Source: https://kidshelpline.com.au/teens/issues/my-friend-thinking-about-suicide 

2. “Loved ones will be upset at first, but they’ll get over it.”

Contrary to popular belief, the consequences to the people you leave behind constantly resides in your rationale during the low depths of your suicidal thoughts. Many people’s “prevention method” for convincing someone to not be suicidal is to shame someone with the branding of being selfish. We know that there will be pain in loved ones’ lives. We know that it will be a tragically difficult reality to face if we decided to take our lives. We know that guilt will be grappling family members who for some reason feel they could’ve been my hero. However, we know it will also just be a reaction of mourning. After time passes, you will be okay and get on with life because time forces you to get over it. It’s nothing personal, it’s just how life works. (Again, this is the rationale of a suicidal person…)

Image result for low self worth
Source: https://www.youthbeyondblue.com/understand-what%27s-going-on/low-self-esteem-and-body-image 

3. “I’m not worth anything.”

Low self-worth is a major factor of suicidal thinking and depression. I genuinely do not see value in my life. I am not worth anything to anybody. I am no one’s priority. These are facts in my mind that constantly repeat themselves. It’s usually ingrained in my day-to-day actions and brain hard-wiring. Therefore, what do you usually do with things that you do not find value in? You classify it as trash and throw it away.

Image result for misunderstood person cartoon
Source: https://notices.californiatimes.com/gdpr/latimes.com/ 

4. “No one understands me.”

Oh my gosh. This is probably one of THE MOST common thoughts of people in general. However, as a suicidal person, this provides more of a reason to end it all. Psychologists are correct with that whole need of belonging. When you feel understood, you feel as though you belong. The more I personally feel that I’m not understood, the more I feel that I do not belong on this Earth. (Now that I think about it, no wonder people surround themselves with people who share similar views as them…it feels good to be understood & provides validation in your thoughts & inevitably your existence.)

 

Image result for happy world cartoon
Source: https://pngio.com/PNG/3947-happy-world-png.html 

5. “The world would be better off if I’m dead.”

Yeah, this is an extremely morbid thought, but true in the mind of some suicidal people. I know I find “evidence” in my life to support this thinking, like “Oh, I said something shitty to someone I supposedly love and have caused them pain. They would have never endured this pain if I was never born” Or “People in my life are blaming me for all of this shitty stuff so I might as well die.” This thought can be tied to the thought of wanting the pain to end.

Image result for what's the point meme
Source: https://memegenerator.net/instance/75949017/gloomy-eeyore-whats-the-point-anymore 

6. “There is no point to live.”

What’s the point? If you are ever with someone who is truly considering suicide, they are constantly asking this question. If a psychologist, friend, family member, or caring human is asked this question from somebody, please keep in mind that “There is no point to live” is the driving force behind the inquiry of ‘What’s the point?’

Image result for what do i deserve
Source: https://www.123rf.com/photo_63179300_women-hand-writing-what-do-i-deserve-with-black-marker-on-visual-screen-isolated-on-white-business-t.html 

7. “I don’t deserve to live.”

This thought has strong ties with thoughts #3 (“I’m not worth anything.”) and  #5 (“The world would be better off if I’m dead”).  The whole concept of deserving something is based on self-worth. For some reason, a suicidal person may have convinced themselves along the way that they do not deserve any joy or happiness in the world, unfortunately.

Sooooo yeah. I honestly don’t know what to say after all that. It’s my truth. It’s my constant thoughts. However, I still hold on to life…waiting to see if evolution of the mind is possible. I guess my curiosity (and deep fear of pain) causes me to hold on to see the one day where I laugh at the absurdity of these thoughts ever being my thoughts, instead of still believing in them fully. (This conclusion was for those of you who need the silver lining in everything.)

 

hopeless romantics will understand

Imagine going to bed with someone you can call your best friend.

Imagine the first touch you wake up to is from the person who knows you just as well as, maybe even more than, you know yourself…

The scent that you have become accustomed to that doesn’t belong to you…

Knowing that any dispute or argument you two have doesn’t have an expiration date to the entire relationship that lurks in the shadows…

The safe space to share every weird quirk, or unexplainable boundary that your mind can go, with a person who accepts it and still loves you for it

Someone who understands your worth and treats you how you know you should be treated

Imagine being with someone who respects you to the point where they wouldn’t even dare fathom the thought of disrespecting your time, energy, and being.

Imagine realizing there is someone who exudes the same emotion & energy when a particular song comes on.

Imagine coming home to tell someone about your day everyday…..and they show interest in it…..every day!

Imagine the peace you get with just a warm embrace from the person.

Imagine having someone who can sense your every emotion without you uttering a word.

Imagine being in a room together in silence, and it doesn’t bother either party or mean trouble because THAT’S how comfortable y’all are with each other.

Imagine you can always rely on good conversation whenever y’all speak.

Imagine dying knowing that you’ve lived a life where you found true love.

..

.

Yeah, I can’t imagine it for me, but I do appreciate the fact that there is still a glimmer of hope in my brain that looks forward to the chance of this someday being my reality.