You were my escape…my sweet, sexy escape from dealing with the broken pieces of me. Instead of learning how to put my pieces together on my own, I would focus all of my energy putting your pieces together in the hopes you’d return the favor.
Oh, how foolish. Oh, how naive. Oh, how hurt I was.
How silly of me to depend on someone else to put my pieces together, when I’m the one who knows where all the pieces need to go. You were stuck with the job of putting a puzzle together but not knowing what the final product should look like. I now know that I should be in charge of assembly. Then frustration arises when you don’t know how to fix me. Ha! Shame on me for putting that pressure on you. Shame unfairly on you for making you “the reason” for my moods, my emotions, my level of self-worth. I gave you a responsibility that did not belong to you. In fact, you had no power over it at all. But I convinced myself you did. And the truth of it all, I had the power over my self-worth, but I assigned you that power so I didn’t have to deal with the trauma and pain I’ve buried inside.
You were great support, but I wanted a dictator. You were the love I never had, but I wanted abuse. You were the security I didn’t know existed, but I wanted uncertainty. Silly me. Silly me. What I wanted, I didn’t need. What I thought I needed was merely born from ignorance.
And now I pause and wonder…how many times have I let my ignorance stop me from obtaining greatness, my full potential, and ultimate joy? My ignorance of thought, the limits I’ve created when boundaries weren’t set, the prolonged beats of overcompensation may have blocked me from an alternate life of joy.
With these revelations, I apologize to you. I apologize for unrealistically expecting you to be my hero who would rescue me from the torture chamber of my mind. For I must be my own hero in order to live my happily ever after. I apologize for imposing my insecurities on you. Maybe if I would have learned this back then, my happily-ever-after would feature you as my co-star.
No love ever lost in my heart for you. I continue to love you from a distance. Thank you for being my first love and helping me grow and learn.
I feel like I should pre-warn every encounter we have with an apology.
See here’s the thing: I do not like myself. To be honest, I have a deep hatred of myself.
This self-hate didn’t just occur recently. It’s a deep rooted seed that’s been growing in my thoughts since as young as I can remember. It started innocently with myself realizing at a young age that I don’t really have anything important to say, so maybe I should be quiet. I began to not trust that my ideas were of any value. They later morphed into me realizing that I, as a person, don’t have much value.
Once my brain held onto this core belief, the trust issues flourished. I question why people love me. I question why people bother to spend time with me. Since I can’t understand what I like about myself, I damn sure have raised eyebrows to you all who claim to like me when you don’t have to.
The times when my brain’s paranoia breaks down and asks you, “what do you even like about me,” your response is the polar opposite of the perception I have of myself. That’s when my mind tweaks out of control. I feel as though my brain has a malfunction when I hear your response because it’s been telling me for so long how horrible, unimportant, and worthless I am; hearing you, a friend, debunk my perception of myself causes a glitch in my brain trying to make sense of it.
And my preferred response to anyone debunking the perception of my worthlessness includes becoming defensive and proving you wrong. My method of proving you wrong ranges from becoming a selfish brat who has to get her way, to killing the vibe with my silence and not being in the present moment.
I guess it’s how turtles climb in their shell when they feel scared. And yes, hanging out with you scares me.
It scares me because I feel you’re going to finally “come to your senses” and see me how I see myself.
The fear of you seeing me the way I see me is the reason I cry. It’s the reason I begin to distance myself from you. It’s the reason I sometimes do and say asshole shit to you. It’s the reason I can’t sleep most nights.
So, that’s why I’m working on rewiring my brain to see the positive traits of myself and to accept the negative traits of myself but not enlarge them to immense proportions while I work to improve on them.
As I’m working on this, please be patient with me. Remind me to speak up for myself when I trail off when I talk. Let me know when I start becoming a selfish toddler and try to control every thing we watch or do. Call me out on when you feel I am hiding how I feel and think with euphemisms and double entendres. And definitely reassure me that you still love my crazy ass even after I get on your nerves with my weirdness.
I strongly believe I don’t deserve your friendship. But I know that I need your friendship.
Your friendship holds so much value to me. Our friendship is the most valuable thing I have, and I damn sure don’t want to lose it because of a conviction based on deep rooted issues that are based on insecurities in the alternate reality in my head.
DISCLAIMER.WARNING.CAUTION: In absolutely no way am I encouraging or promoting suicide. If you are suicidal, please talk to someone either about this to work through the catalysts of these thoughts or something else to distract yourself from your thoughts. Suicide is not a solution no matter how many times you have rationalized it in your brain. The point of this article is to give perspective on the thoughts of a suicidal person so that people can have a better understanding of where we are coming from so that people’s support and help can be beneficial, and hopefully life changing.
Sooo suicide huh? I mean if you’ve never thought about taking your life or believing that your life is so worthless that you should end it all, then you have no idea what we are going through. No, I’m not a representative of all depressed and suicidal people. All I can do is give you perspective so that you can properly have an idea of what some of us are feeling so that it can in turn lead you to properly help us in our times of need.
So I have been quoted to say that I am a “survivor of my suicidal thoughts”. But people don’t really know the thoughts that are swirling through your head when you are rationalizing taking that gun, those pills, the knife, that jump, some poison, or whatever other ‘googled’ way to end your life.
So here are the top 7 thoughts (from my personal experience) that go through my head when I’m suicidal:
1. “I want the pain to end.”
Whether you are going through physical pain, mental turmoil, abuse, or a combination of these and other pains, you have a sincere desire to want the pain to end. Pain is not fun to endure…obviously. Logically, you are trying to find the solution of how your pain should end. Therefore, ending life altogether, in the suicidal person’s rationale, will inherently end the pain.
2. “Loved ones will be upset at first, but they’ll get over it.”
Contrary to popular belief, the consequences to the people you leave behind constantly resides in your rationale during the low depths of your suicidal thoughts. Many people’s “prevention method” for convincing someone to not be suicidal is to shame someone with the branding of being selfish. We know that there will be pain in loved ones’ lives. We know that it will be a tragically difficult reality to face if we decided to take our lives. We know that guilt will be grappling family members who for some reason feel they could’ve been my hero. However, we know it will also just be a reaction of mourning. After time passes, you will be okay and get on with life because time forces you to get over it. It’s nothing personal, it’s just how life works. (Again, this is the rationale of a suicidal person…)
3. “I’m not worth anything.”
Low self-worth is a major factor of suicidal thinking and depression. I genuinely do not see value in my life. I am not worth anything to anybody. I am no one’s priority. These are facts in my mind that constantly repeat themselves. It’s usually ingrained in my day-to-day actions and brain hard-wiring. Therefore, what do you usually do with things that you do not find value in? You classify it as trash and throw it away.
4. “No one understands me.”
Oh my gosh. This is probably one of THE MOST common thoughts of people in general. However, as a suicidal person, this provides more of a reason to end it all. Psychologists are correct with that whole need of belonging. When you feel understood, you feel as though you belong. The more I personally feel that I’m not understood, the more I feel that I do not belong on this Earth. (Now that I think about it, no wonder people surround themselves with people who share similar views as them…it feels good to be understood & provides validation in your thoughts & inevitably your existence.)
5. “The world would be better off if I’m dead.”
Yeah, this is an extremely morbid thought, but true in the mind of some suicidal people. I know I find “evidence” in my life to support this thinking, like “Oh, I said something shitty to someone I supposedly love and have caused them pain. They would have never endured this pain if I was never born” Or “People in my life are blaming me for all of this shitty stuff so I might as well die.” This thought can be tied to the thought of wanting the pain to end.
6. “There is no point to live.”
What’s the point? If you are ever with someone who is truly considering suicide, they are constantly asking this question. If a psychologist, friend, family member, or caring human is asked this question from somebody, please keep in mind that “There is no point to live” is the driving force behind the inquiry of ‘What’s the point?’
7. “I don’t deserve to live.”
This thought has strong ties with thoughts #3 (“I’m not worth anything.”) and #5 (“The world would be better off if I’m dead”). The whole concept of deserving something is based on self-worth. For some reason, a suicidal person may have convinced themselves along the way that they do not deserve any joy or happiness in the world, unfortunately.
Sooooo yeah. I honestly don’t know what to say after all that. It’s my truth. It’s my constant thoughts. However, I still hold on to life…waiting to see if evolution of the mind is possible. I guess my curiosity (and deep fear of pain) causes me to hold on to see the one day where I laugh at the absurdity of these thoughts ever being my thoughts, instead of still believing in them fully.(This conclusion was for those of you who need the silver lining in everything.)
Consistency is the major key advice people give you on any journey of growth and/or success.
So we all know this…I know this….and yet I continue to be the most inconsistent person in the world!
I’m inconsistent with all aspects of my life….my living situation, driving, relationship dynamics, communication, food intake, sleeping patterns, my writing, etc.
Driving for example. I will be going about a good 70 miles per hour on the highway, drifting off into the millions of thoughts that come to my head, and then I look down at the odometer and see that I’m going 60 instead with a line of cars passing me by.
Or communication. I will text you all buddy buddy for a week or so and then decide that it’s too much so I “ghost” you (as many of the Americanized youth would say). In my head, I’m thinking that I’m giving you something to miss and that brings my appreciation value up (and yes I calculate my appreciation value to others…I don’t think that’s healthy though).
Or in the blogging/writing field. I made a promise to myself that I would blog once a week because consistency leads to more exposure and credibility and trust and a whole lot of cool stuff that I aspire my words to create to an audience of critical thinkers.
And yet here I am with a blog that has been around for over 2 months, and I only have 2 articles published (make this 3 if I actually publish this shit).
I can think of probably hundreds of examples in my life where I’m inconsistent, but I think you get the point.
And what’s even more annoying is that I know that deep down the real reason why I’m inconsistent with just about everything I do is credited to my fear of commitment.
I mean if we want to be honest, I’m afraid of commitment. The whole idea creeps me out. Like the whole concept of commitment seems like bondage, like you are stuck with this thing that you are forcing yourself to do even though you have the power and free will to change it. It’s like some sick, twisted cruel joke that you are playing on yourself just to prove to yourself, or to whoever, that you have stability or discipline in your life. I don’t know….the whole idea of commitment and consistency just seems…..pathetic.
Or maybe that’s just me covering the fact that I need help coming to terms with the fact that pure loyalty to something or someone does actually exist…or maybe really I just don’t believe loyalty to me exists.
Let’s look at one of the biggest exercises of consistency: a romantic relationship. My outlook on commitment is similar to Chandler Bing’s from “Friends” Seasons 1-4. If you are unfamiliar with the classic American sitcom, Chandler Bing is a person who was so afraid of commitment that there are scenes of him literally gasping for air whenever he felt that a commitment in a relationship would start to brew.
I understand that exact feeling. I’ve only been in two committed relationships, one was for 6 months and the other was for 2 years. The reason for both relationship’s end was me “gasping for air” in a sense. I felt too tied down….too “committed” so to say.
What causes this fear of commitment you ask? Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiyyyyyiiiiiiiiittttttt if I know.
To be honest, I don’t think I want to know yet.
I just want to be successful in life without consistency. They say anything is possible so maybe this is possible, too?? (I don’t think it’s possible either, but just go with the flow with me so I can address this deep seated issue without deeply diving into it at the moment.)
Everything is bullshit. Your job. Your time….it’s all bullshit.
I know this sounds very morbid and depressing, but let me explain.
Let’s break down a fragment of your life called ‘the week.’ There are 24 hours in a day, which means you have 168 hours in a week. Are you with me so far? Cool.
Now let’s factor in your career/job. If you are the typical working adult with a full-time job, you work 40 hours per week, which means that about 24% of your life is dedicated to your job.
Let’s not forget to factor the travel time to and from your job. Let’s just say you are an average person in a city who lives about 30 minutes from your job. Therefore, that’s an hour per day (5 hours per week) dedicated to traveling time for your job, estimated at 3% of your weekly existence.
Now you can’t forget about sleep. So let’s say you get on average about 6 hours of sleep each night, which is 42 hours of your week dedicated to sleep. That means that 25% of your existence is you simply recharging your body so you can be ready for the events of your life, including work.
Are you still with me? So for the average person: 24% of your life is you working your lovely ‘Monday-Friday 9-5’ job, 3% of your life traveling to this lovely job, and 25% of your life resting…so you can be ready for this lovely 9-5 job.
So you have 48% of your life left to actually do what you want to do. Less than half of your adult life is your own.
I don’t know about you, but that scares the fuck out of me!
My life is not even my own (excuse me, 52% of my life is not my own).
Now if you have a family full of dependents, then your 48% is basically gone. That extra time that you are not working, sleeping, or traveling to work now belongs to raising your children.
What rattles my brain (and has me borderline insane) is the fact that everybody is walking around acting like we should be happy with this 48% of our lives that we have left of ‘freedom’. As if I should be grateful that I even get a portion of my life to myself…
WTF! I thought this was MY life. Therefore, why don’t I have freedom with 100% of my time? So basically, I’m 48% free?!
This is the type of bullshit that plagues the deeply analytical person’s mind. How can you tell me with a straight-face that I should be happy with this? This isn’t even me saying the cup is half empty or half full because it’s not 50/50! More of my life is spent doing what I don’t really have a choice in doing.
I know…I know…you are probably saying one of the following things:
“Well you better make that 48% of your time count and jam-packed with everything you love!”
“You should dedicate that 24% of your time spent on your job to a job that you are actually passionate about.”
“That’s just the way it is. Deal with it.”
“Dang. You didn’t even factor in eating.”
“Wow. I didn’t even think about that. Now I’m depressed.”
This post isn’t coming from a “fuck my life” place. I am still on the search for purpose and inner peace, and I refuse to give up on this journey called life (and I strongly encourage you to not give up on life either).
I just ask of you to help me understand: why should I be content with this 48% of life that I have?
If I can get to a point where I am content with this whole concept of life, then I (and probably many others) are on the first step to truly tackling depression.
If you have clicked on this blog post, you are either lost, someone recommended this to you, or the universe/God has made this your destiny. No matter the reason, you’re here.
So now what do I, the blogger, have to offer to you? (Let’s be real, we don’t read, view, or watch anything unless there is a benefit for ourselves. Whether it’s a laugh, access to new knowledge, or an escape from our own reality.)
Well let’s start by introducing myself. My name is…well I prefer not to share that information throughout this blog journey.
“Why?” you ask….I know you didn’t really ask, but I’m going to tell you anyway. The whole idea behind this blog is to be able to freely talk about my ideas, beliefs, and experiences without the judgement of my loved ones crumbling the reputation that I have worked so hard to maintain. We all have things to say on our personal social medias but sometimes fear that our “friends” or “followers” will ruin the image that we have worked so hard to paint of ourselves.
Oh wait…that’s just me? Well fuck it, maybe this is just my way of public self-therapy without people attaching all of my business with my identity. (BTW, if I would’ve revealed my identity, my grandma would have just found out that I use the word “fuck”…soo let’s continue to let grandma live in a reality where I still don’t use curse words)
If you really have an urge to call me something, just call me “Mild and Free.”
Please don’t confuse this name with “Wild and Free”. I have never been wild. The wildest activity that I partake in is smoking marijuana. Many conservatives may have convinced you that’s wild, but smokers can easily laugh at the idea of being wild while high. The most I’ve ever done while high is giggle ten minutes straight from a punchline from a comedy series, missing the entire plot of the show.
Therefore, I’m mild…not wild.
What is this blog going to be focused on…who the fuck knows?! (BTW, my favorite word is ‘fuck’)
The gist of it is that I’m a young woman in my 20s who decided to move from her college town to a city called Atlanta where timing the perfect low-traffic time is a gift that only God’s true prophets possess. I left a stable career with benefits and steady income in a field that I spent five years studying & accumulating over $100,000 in school debt to a $13/hour full-time job that deals with a field that I have absolutely no experience in.
Was this a smart decision? Probably not if you are looking at it from a financial aspect. However, IDGAF (look it up if you are that behind on text lingo). I’m over here chasing freedom (even though I know this chase doesn’t truly get me freedom because freedom technically doesn’t exist in our society…but that’s a topic for another day).
If you are still reading this, I appreciate you. If you have already exited and clicked on something more exciting on your Twitter, Facebook, or other social media feed, I still appreciate you, too. Uggghh that’s just the type of person I am, I have so much love for humanity even though I get pushed over alot.
So I ask you to join me on my journey through life. Here are some possible topics/purposes/ideas that I have for this blog:
share my personal experiences
get advice from you on situations that come up in my life (basically you can be my therapist via the comments)
sprinkle my humor throughout my posts
discuss some serious social issues
discuss music, sports, books, or media
learn about people and the world around us
learn random facts
know that you are not alone with your feelings and thoughts
advocate for mental health
cause you to really think about our purpose in life
figure out what happiness is
talk about romance, love, and sex (didn’t start having sex until I was 24 btw)
random observations about people and life
basically anything that comes to my mind
If this sounds like a blog that you can give 5 minutes of your time to per week, then please comment & share to everybody you know (well at least everybody who you feel could benefit from this).
Talk to you soon XOXO (does the ‘O’ mean kisses because that’s the way our mouths should look when we kiss?)